Dating Dutch girls

Dating Dutch Men and Women alike. I’ve had plenty of expats living in Netherlands tell me that Dutch guys are boring and not interested in women and that Dutch girls are thick and emotion less. I can’t really comment much about Dutch guys but in my experience Dutch girls are warm, nice, friendly and much more. Confident and modern Dutch girls definitely deserve more attention. They enjoy dating men who respect these traits of character and use up-to-date tools to meet a partner. Dating.com™ is the place they often prefer. Single Dutch Women Dating in Amsterdam Netherlands. Single Dutch Women seeking Men. dating Dutch women and Dutch men in Netherlands. Dutch Dating Site - Online Dating Netherlands - Meet Singles. 100% free Netherlands personals. Women from Netherlands. Dutch dating site to connect singles for online love and romance. Meet Dutch singles at Netherlands dating net. Dating with a dutch girl - Join the leader in relations services and find a date today. Join and search! Register and search over 40 million singles: voice recordings. How to get a good woman. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. Dutch women are all too familiar with foreigner men and their Amsterdam jaunts. Therefore, visitors to the Netherlands are advised to: Stay for long periods of time. This will open doors to the best talent and will provide an impetus for Dutch girls to meet you. Select a dating app that favors you. I don’t know about the cheese (if you want to date me, just offer me cheese – but that’s me), but the other two stereotypes have some impact on dating a Dutch girl. So to help you out, here are a few tips for successfully dating Dutch girls: 1. About the rudeness: we Dutchies are very open and direct. Foreigners may interpret this as rude ... If you want to find girls for friendship from Dutch, Loveawake.com is your dedicated wingman to help you search for women to make friend with. Join our site to see how many girls and women are waiting for friendship with foreign men. Those are real Dutch ladies and girls ready to talk with you. Contact singles seeking like you for real love, online dating or lifetime marriage in Netherlands

LONGPOST: My (22F) boyfriend (22M) cheated on me while we were on a long-distance relationship, and while I tried to forgive him my mental health has severely deteriorated.

2020.09.29 00:18 throwra_22219691 LONGPOST: My (22F) boyfriend (22M) cheated on me while we were on a long-distance relationship, and while I tried to forgive him my mental health has severely deteriorated.

First of all: if I read this title from someone else‘s eyes, I‘d surely say “baby girl just dump him“ without even hesitating. I do hope, though, that you guys read until the end to try to understand a little bit what‘s going on in my head.

I‘ve never been self-confident. I was bullied a lot in middle-school and even though I started to feel prettier as a teen, dating a few people here and there, I have a very shitty family that has always said the most horrid things about my appearance.
And that‘s one of the many reasons why I thought I never stood a chance with my actual bf, school buddy at the time: even though we weren‘t exactly close, I always felt attracted to him. He was this cute, extremely smart guy with this very cool and tight friend group that helped me study when I had issues with certain subjects. I had always deemed him out of my league, even though people from our school said he was weird (oops, I guess I do have a thing for the weirdos!).
Anyway... high school ended, he moved to the Netherlands to study and I went to college to start my degree. We were still friends who replied to each other ocasionally on Twitter, Snapchat or Instagram, and my crush on him never really faded. After a year of not seeing him, I got an opportunity to study in the Netherlands with a scholarship for 6 months, so I decided to ask him for help with getting started on my Dutch lessons to be able to keep up with my uni classes when I got there. He was of course more than happy to, and as we got closer, he eventually came back to spend his vacations with his family. We hung out, slept together, talked for days on end and I was really happy to have a possibility of a relationship with him.
Thing is.
After sleeping with him, he came back to Europe and we kept talking through Messenger every single day. We were a part of each other‘s routines, but we were never clingy. It felt so right. So, so right, that after a month of being cute he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic, absolutely on top of the world. “Of course I‘ll be your girlfriend, dummy“, I said. So we had a talk: we were in a long-distance relationship, which would be hard, but we could try it. I said that I wasn‘t a jealous person and that he could always hang with his friends, I‘d not be the type of person to obsess over where he was and etc, because y‘know... I‘m decent. And it was settled: we spent 11 very hard months apart from each other, but he was loving and kind and caring and would help me with my dutch lessons so I never really bothered to think what he was doing when we weren‘t talking.
I moved to the Netherlands (hoi, dutch buddies!) and was able to finally see him again. We had exchanged so many letters, so many gifts, and there he was: right in front of me. Those were probably the best months of my life: being with my loved one in a new country just enjoying the view, the beer and sunsets. We do live in different cities, so we see each other only once or twice a month, but usually for a week or a little more. I was so happy. But after not even 3 months of me being here (I arrived on the beginning of February, just before the whole pandemic situation), he came to visit me and decided to have a talk.
“Hey. Remember when we decided to have an open relationship? Weird times, huh?“
I felt a hole opening below my feet.
I said I didn‘t know what he was talking about.
He sighed, mumbled “yeah, I feared that“ and told me that he had slept with another girl. I asked how many times. He hesitantly said 5. 5 times with the same girl. While I was absoluly head over heels about him. I started to cry and he told me that it didn‘t mean anything, that it was just sex, that he loved me stronger than he had ever loved anyone and that he did it just because we “had talked and I said I wasn‘t jealous“, to which I replied my most honest What The Actual Fuck: “Just because I‘m not a jealous person doesn‘t mean you can go your merry way and sleep with other people. We never discussed having an open relationship.” and he gave me the most bullshitted answer I’ve ever heard: “I thought we discussed it. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew it would hurt you.” but thing is: he slept with this girl around once a month, which means he was 5 months cheating on me. I’m extremely against open-relationships FOR MYSELF (y’all can live y’all’s lives however you want, it’s just not for me) and I’ve always mentioned it, so there’s only two options: 1. he’s really fucking dumb for not realizing that he was hurting me; 2. he did realize that he maybe was hurting me, he just didn’t care enough to stop. I decided to go with the first option, because I’ve known him for years and all his friends (including one of the most admirable women I’ve ever met) told me he was amazing before we started to date. I tried so hard to believe that he just didn’t know what he was doing.
I spent the next few days crying. I couldn’t look him in the eye, and he was staying in my dorm. He had nowhere else to go, we’re both broke students. It was tough realizing my whole relationship started off wrong while he was in the same room as me. So I thought forgiving him would be the best option, because other than that, we had never had any major arguments. Our relationship was perfect. Maybe he was just THAT stupid. He mentioned it many times, actually: how stupid and confused and reckless he was.
It’s been around 5 months and we’re still dating, but I’m exhausted. He’s been a good boyfriend, a bit distant at times but when I talk to him about it he tries so hard to be better. I know he feels guilty, I’ve known the guy for years already. That’s why I decided to believe that he didn’t want to hurt me. But my anxiety, ocd and depression have gotten severely worse since I found out about it: I have nightmares in which he leaves me for that girl because I’m too mentally unstable. In which he fucks her in front of me and they laugh at me. In which everybody else knows what happens and I feel stupid and dumb and worthless and they all pity me.
I have come back to therapy (points for me to being aware of my mental instability) and I try so hard to be better. But my mind makes the whole situation worse. I don’t know who this girl is, because if I did, I’m sure I’d compare myself to her all the time. I chose not to know who she is, which sucks, because he has pictures with his friends all over his room and social media and I never know if she’s in them. I asked him to stop talking to her, at least until I got better, and he says he did.
As I said, I was never self-confident. He used to make me feel pretty, and now I just feel like I’m never enough. At least for 11 months I wasn’t.
And I don’t know if any guy, as wonderful as he may be, is worth the daily battle I go through.
TLDR: bf “thought we were in an open relationship” while we did long-distance, cheated on me 5 times with the same girl, says it was just her and that he wouldn’t have done it if he knew I was going to be hurt and I tried to forgive him but my mental health has gone down the drain.
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2020.09.28 15:43 Dedmon3000 Watching competitive Hearthstone (September 28 through October 4)

Hi guys. Before I get to past and future streaming action, I wanted to let you know that I found some details about the World Championship. More details are down near the end of this post.
The Championship comes at an interesting time - near when I expect the new expansion to be released. The big money tournament could be just before its release, which would obviously provide a lot of pre-release promotion; or the tourney could be just after its release, which would provide a lot of heartburn for our competitors (not that I feel sorry for them, at all), as well as the ultimate post-release promotion. I'm rooting for chaos, but we'll see.
And now, back to our scheduled action.
VODs:
Upcoming events:
If I happen to miss something that should be added, let me know and I will do so. Thanks for reading!
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2020.09.28 14:52 Mr_Cobb_andStuff 24[M4F][the Netherlands] Help me get rid of one less insecurity

Hi y’all,
I'm a 24 y/o Dutch guy 6’1” (1,86m), 150lbs (68kg) and let me first tell ya I have like no experience whatsoever. No touching, no kisses, nada. Didn’t bother me for a long time cause life on its own is enjoyable as is. However, seeing all my friends hopping in and out of relationships as of late, I’ve started to feel like I’m missing out. The obvious next step would be trying to date, but a dark shadow of presumed sexual inequality creeps over that mental image. Friends have told me it’s an irrational fear, but for me a real one nonetheless.
“Well then what is he looking for?!” is probably what you are thinking at this point. Or not. I can't tell you what to think. Well anyway, I’m looking for a girl, virgin or experienced, who wants to end this status quo once and for all by either figuring out this apparently wonderful world of intimate physical contact with me, or introduce me to it and teach me how to not be a completely incompetent fool about this.
So to finish off this lovely little text that was really quite uncomfortable to write, I’ll tell you some stuff about myself. Like I mentioned before, I’m a 24 year old guy. I like to listen to music, mostly 70’s British progressive rock that I try to find on vinyl, but with some of the more obscure bands that can get quite hard. I also go for runs, read, play guitar (badly), play games (also badly) and occasionally hang out with friends.
If you made it this far, live somewhere in the Netherlands (randstad area would be nice but we all know how swell our train network is) and you're interested, then by all means contact me and we'll see if something happens.
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2020.09.28 02:24 tsinnyc30 *TS* *NSW* I can't trust men, so I don't know how to love...where do i start to heal?

tw nsw rape/child sexual abuse. I write in a way thats very vivid, thats how the images in my mind work. Maybe its also because I am a writer, and it is hella drilled into us about details. All about the details. I know this can upset some people. So there is the warning.
I was a child of sexual abuse. Which made my rape at 23 worse. Much worse.
When I was 5, I was in foster care. I was a super feminine acting boy. (I am a trans woman now). My foster brothers and male figures never used to play with me. Saying things like:
"Don't you want to play with the girls, sissies don't like sports"
"Take ya gay, useless ass on somewhere" They would always leave me 
In came Carl. He always included me. He was 16/17 and he was amazing at first. He let me play super Nintendo with him. He took me to the park. He snuck me candy like Reese cups, when my Grandma told me no. I loved him. Growing up with my twin in foster care, I felt abandoned. Because I was a feminine boy, i felt doubly abandoned.
 He started asking me if I wanted to cuddle with him at night. My grandma was tired and he was always so nice to me, I don't even think she had a second thought about it. The first few sleep overs with Carl was beautiful. He would just hold me. He would tell me scary stories, then I would run to the bathroom in the dark, running back to his bad shaking. He would get me cupcakes. He would hold me, and tell me how he loved me. Until one night, it changed. He smelled funny to me, the-now-gorgeous-familar smell of Marijuana. He told me he wanted to show me a secret game. The games of men. Not knowing any better, I said show me. I loved and trusted him at 5. He was the big brother I always wanted...replacing the abandoned feeling I felt at my parents. He kissed me. He had vitiligo, and a pink spot that was so unique on the corner of his lips on his right side. I remeber the feeling of his third degree burned hands on my body. His mother tortured him and locked him in the closet for weeks on end in the Bronx. He had cigarette burns all over his body. He was still attractive. Beautiful hazel eyes. Brown skin like mines. Full pink lips. He was a boxer, he turned the hands his mother tried to take from him into weapons that made the street nickname him "Mean Machine", with how savagely he would fight guys on the street. He was also a child of sex abuse, once the system found him at 7, and placed him in group homes, which later, in my teenage years when I found out, made me totally forgave him. He did love me, even though he hurt me, but ultimately as a late teenager, he was just reliving a cycle. It does not excuse him, but compared to my rape at 23, I can forgive Carl. 
He pulled his pants down and put my tiny hands on his bigger genitalia. That was all we did the first time. He called me pretty.
"You really look like a little girl with ya long curly hair and bambi eyes". 
He orgasmed and because it didn't feel bad, I didn't see it as bad. It was just a game.
He then grabbed me softly and forced me to look at him. 
"You can't tell. If you tell, I will die. You don't want me to die right? If you tell, I will be gone and you will have nobody to play with, I will be killed horribly. This is our secret game. Only us. Okay?"
I was heartbroken. I let out a high pitch shrill cry. As I clang to him and repeated:
"Puleazhh don't die...please don't die. Please don't die...i lub you."
He held me again and we fell asleep.
The game was simple at first, just touching, but quickly it progressed.
 The 4th time I saw him, he put whip cream on himself. "I have a treat for you. If you play our secret game well, you will get a reward. You have to lick it off" 
So I did. I remember the smell of him. His just turned into a man pheromones plugging my noise. The sweat of his skin, and the sweetness of the whip cream. I gagged horribly. But he told me i was doing a Good job even though it was barely fitting. I remember his fluid on my face.
He wiped us both off and got a big ass bag of candy out his closet. Again...the behavior was painted as something good by him.
 (Im legit unnerved even though I can't help writing so candidly. To do that to a child, to lie and use manipulation is utterly insidious. To use my emotions, that he should have protected.....it id fucking gross. Gross. A 5 year old. What was sexy about me, I still occasionally peed the bed, I was dirty from always climbing and exploring things, etc...but then its not about that. But its just....ugh. I know he picked me because I was feminine and because I was a loner by the nature of what I am, a transgender individual.) This went on for months. His "you are so beautiful like a little princess", his cuddles, his playfulness. I loved it. Even the sex acts we did, i didn't mind because it was not violent nor did it hurt at that point. It was definitely uncomfortable/ weird and there was no sexual thrill for me. The only thrill was for me to please the brother I loved. If it pleased him, I was happy with that. I had turned 6 and a week later he brought me upstairs. He smelt like straight alcohol. He kissed me aggressively. "I missed my princess" His aggressiveness was scaring me. He had never acted that way before. "Ima go to De-lores. Goodnight. You being weird. (my adopted mom/ I call her grandma too). 
"No...u can't leave yet. You don't miss me?"
He pinned me down, as I yelled for him to let me go. He placed his hand over my mouth and nose, until I almost couldn't breathe and thrashed in the bed. He bent me over and tried to penetrate me, but I was wayyyyyy to small for that. So it never went in, but it was sooo painful. The edges of my hole, burned from the friction of him desperately tryna penetrate me......
He let me down on the cream color carpet of his room as I cried and hit him.
"U HURTED ME...CARL! YOU HURTED MY BUTT. YOU HURTED ME!" HE HUGGED ME AS I HEARD WHAT SOUNDED LIKE A WHISTLE NEAR THE STAIRS LEADING TO THE SECOND FLOOR. 
He placed me in the upstairs bathroom.
"If anybody asks why you up here, tell them you were using the bathroom. And im sorry. Im sorry. You forgive me. I'll make it up to you. I promise. Say you forgive me...please."
"I...forgived...u...." 
I said wiping snot away.
A week later. My grandma sat me down. She asked if anyone was touching us. She looked evil though. I know she would never hurt me, but I loved Carl like family. She had hell and brimstone in her irises, and she got into one of her righteous rants, where she said she would kill for me, kill for my brother, nobody would hurt us.
I don't know if she meant it, but she scared me into silence. I don't blame her. Its hard even bringing those topics up without emotion. But I didn't want Carl to die. So I shut up. At 6, I shut up. I didn't want him to die. And her words made what he said reality in my head.
I never went to him anymore though after my Grandma's talk and him tryna penetrate me. I never let him get me alone. He would try to bribe me with food, candy, video games, begging, clothes, money...but i never went.
He went to Juvie a few months later for stabbing a boy in the face over street wars.
 Life was normal until 11. In fourth grade, I was taking a NYS official test, I was answering a question about the Native American indigenous to NY state and boom: (There were two paintings in the upstairs hallway. My grandma had a picture of a Native man, with striking features, in a swamp, grabbing a snake. It was next to a picture of a black girl playing double dutch. That question connected back to that picture) 
It all played out in my mind like a movie. I didn't even realize I had suppressed it that much. I fought back tears and (I work well in stress, idk why but I do), I got a 97%.
 After that day I became hypersexual. When I think about it, I always was....touching boys and girls. Kissing girls and boys, playing house and being the wife. Always too fucking touchy and in people's personal space. But I guess at 11, puberty hit me full force and the idea of sex became something constant in me. Before that it was all mimicry of what happened to me. At 11, these thoughts entered me and would not leave. I wanted real sex after that moment. It is hell to be hypersexual at 11. My southern-upbrung Grandma was definitely not ready for that. Then my thoughts were about boys. I was consumed with them. Especially older men. Taking my friend in the closet and telling him I love him, while I pull his penis out and offer him a blow job. 
"...ok...ok...idk..but if its you...ok"
 I started fucking myself with things. The ends of a big screw driver with a soft silicon handle. An ugly yellow toy banana I found at Family Dollars. Fingers. It was like older men knew I was in a heat, I didn't want. I would masturbate like 7 times a day. It was never enough. It was all consuming. An older man who liked me gave me a dildo, he never had sex with me though. We would just talk about how it felt when I penetrate myself. He would stutter and cum to my stories. (I lose myself in good anal sex. I still do, I dissassociate in a good way, the noise of the world falls away and all I am in those moments are a body, feeling. There is no analyzing life, or existential crises. There is not a thousand thoughts in my head. No ptsd or bpd or bipolaor depression or all those mental illness therapists told me I had directly and not so directly) This feeling of shame came when I couldn't stop the thoughts. I was something bad and deviant. My thoughts were deviant, so I locked them up tightly. Even though they were ever present Carl came out of juvie/prison when I was 12. His 6 pack all those years ago had turned into an 8 pack. His slender, toned teen body, had grown into a young man's body. I was drawn to him. He felt indebted to me. 
I remember at 12, when of his hood friends used to flirt with me. Nothing crazy, just a little flirtatious. Always tryna wrestle me. Always tryna get my attention.
I came home one afternoon to him surprising me, him agitated.
"Jay is fucking with you D?" "No he is cool" "Lemme know cuz I will end any nigga for you. You hear me...any of them. You mines. You hear me!" 
My grandma sat on her bed smiling. Like aww look at the older brother being protective.
It wasn't protection though. He still felt like i belonged to him some way even though he never made anymore moves. He also felt guilty.
He was always giving me stuff. Clothes. Food. Money. Anything. It could have been his last.
I would watch him shower. He would leave the door open slightly. I would peek and look at his naked body, until my mind went crazy in heat. One Night, he left his shirt on the floor as he showered. I had a small t-shirt on and these too tight underwear. On the same cream color floor where he tried to penetrate me, i pentrated myself with that, ugly yellow banana, inhaling the intoxicating smell of his shirt. I was so into it, I didn't feel his eyes on me. 
He was watching me smell his shirt and fuck myself.
 He was hard and staring when I came on his rug. "We can't do that nomore. What i did was wrong....but fuck...you looked so sexy....still with the soft skin and big bambi eyes." "Fuck all that...i want you to fuck me..." "What's gotten into you...you used to be so innocent and sweet. We don't have to. I will always be be ya side. You still sexy though God. Even more sexy." "I don't know how to handle what you exposed to me. I want dick in me all the time. 24/7. I dream about it. I day dream about it. I fantasize about it. Please Carl, fuck me...please" "Im too big and people in the house and...." 
I got up knocking all the shit off his dresser. There's a rage in me, a darkness. A need. Impulsivity. Like every emotion is competing for best actress.
I started crying in pure fucking frustration. 
"So you could try to fuck me at 6, you pedo, but 12 is too old? Fuck you nigga. I hate what you did to me. You made me so fucking weird and now!!!!! You don't want to FUCKING continue. I hate you. Fucking die."
He hugged me like when I was little.
"You went me that bad? To finally have me truly take ya virginity. Wait a little longer okay. But look at me...clearly I'm excited. Just wait...ok? Sex starves D might be the seseries. (Him referring to me at 5/6 as sexy 🤢🤮, when I think about that disgusting convo) I pouted. He gave me 300 from his drug business to shut up. 
After that, every time he would pass me, he would feel on me. I'd wear little t shirts where my nipples poked out and pajamas too small, so my little butt could poke out.
He would touch me and kiss me in rushing. He was never home, always in the street. 
At 13, he died from a gunshot wound to the heart. He never did get to fuck me.
(Sometimes, when im depressed, and analytical, I think if all that really did propel me on my way to my life now. I pass as a woman and live an alright life, even with the trauma, but my Mom says when things like that happen to us so young, they become apart of our psyche. Not to say I would have been a sterotypical masculine male....but is this why I like being called princess and good girl, is this one of the reasons why I so desperately clung to womanhood, is this why, especially young, all my sexual fantasies were of me being penetrated by older, well hung, developed men. How much of it is my true nature, how much was groomed into me. The choking, the hypersexuality in my youth, the crazy sex adventures I found myself in. I don't think about it often. Its one of those questions that if I let it sit too long in me, will undo me. I love my transition (mostly) but that thought is scary. To think that, the person I am today can be attributed, at the least, slightly, to my childhood trauma)
The real trauma happened at 23. When i was 23, I dated this guy named Jason for 6 months. I had just started transistioning for a few months. He took me out. I met his close friends. I met his cousins. The sex was good, he was sweet and passionate. I felt like i was falling for him. Lucky. Special
I was a new trans woman, and most guys arent always so kind to not so passable trans women.
He treated me like a woman. How I always wanted to be treated.
Up until the night I told him no.
We had went out on a night on the town. The place is near west 4th street in NYC. It is called the Fat Black Pussy Cat. He bought me these bomb ass nachos and like 13 tequila shots. My stomach was queasy and I couldn't keep my head from spinning.
I get home and boom, sleep.
His body weight and his massive hands on me woke me up. (5'9 150 to his 6'5 250 pure muscled body). He was an athlete and he had went to prison. I never saw it as a red flag because it was a white collar crime.
He wanted sex.
I said no. I'm nauseous. In the morning bae.
It took my brain 10 minutes to catch up to what was going on.
My laughs and his stoic face.
My giggles and "stop playing Jason, in the morning im ride it good daddy." fall on a face that was determined.
His hand on my throat squeezing tighter and tighter.
When I realized what was happening (i'm also a childhood survivor as well). I fought. Two rights to his eyes and nose. He laughed. I ran for my kitchen, and picked up a knife but he slammed me.
Those first few moments were straight anxiety. Me, running full speed over my couch; him catching my leg and my face hitting the floor.
Me, head butting him right in his lip. I sunk my teeth into his shoulder blade. He slammed my body face first into my living room wall.
I remember the sound of glass breaking as he slammed my back against my glass coffee table. Bits of glass, like glass splinters, on the side of my spine.
I remember the anxious feeling turning into a doomed one, when my strength and stamina didn't match up to his. Even just 10 months on estrogen shots and anti testestorone pills had made me weaker. Like 50 percent weaker
His laughter in my ear as he said:
"I like girls with heart, ya are more satisfying to break"
After 20 minutes he got tired. Not physically tired. Tired of this fight in me.
I was on my last wind. Every nerve in my body was in fire from fighting with him so long. I grew up fighting and winning as a feminine boy. But as a trans women, on hrt, a high dosage, its just not the same.
I remember my teeth cutting into my jaw as he slammed my head into the kitchen tiles, the hemoglobin left the taste of iron in my head.
He punched my ribs, knocking the wind out of me. Stomped my right hand. I just laid there, as the reality of my situation set in.
Im not getting away.
"Isn't this why you transistioned...to entice men. Didn't you do this to become mines"
I dissassociated as he choked me until i couldn't breathe. Color flashed in front of my eyes. I focused on my cat in a corner, a white ball, like this had happened to her before . I didn't want to die from fighting for the right over my body. So I mentally left.
I focused on a dustball under my stove
I stared at a dead sparrow on my kitchen window ledge I had never noticed. I imagined I was that bird. Dead. If I'm dead, I can't feel and if I can't feel, this is not happening to me.
His kisses on my shoulder....and his "there's my baby girl", was worse than the rape or beating. That memory lives under my skin. His attempted intimacy daring rape. How....how....
It makes me so mad and digusted. Like I wanna take my nails to my skin to kill that fucking memory.
I wanted him to be evil. You are a fucking monster, fucking show it, you disgusting, deviant, criminally sadistic bastard. If you wanna be evil.
He caressed and kissed my unresponsive body.
Pushing his dick into my dry walls, slightly ripping me.
It was messy because I was not ready nor did I prep. It hurt because he went in dry.
I didn't even scream, as I felt myself tear a little. I just stared....i was death in those moments.
He left me there saying "I love you Daisy". I stayed on the ground for 30 minutes. No thoughts. I just stared. My kitty Carmen licked my face and I cried so horribly, stirred back to reality by her. She left white hairs on my chin as she turned into a ball under my neck.
He left anal fissures in me and a hemorrhoid. It hurt to use the bathroom for 10 days. He had fractured the bone below my right index finger. My left eye was filled with blood. When he slammed my head in the kitchen, blood filled into it. I looked like an extra in the Walking dead.
I never told because I am transgender. They don't care if we live let alone if we are raped.
I swallowed it. Never telling anybody for years, going to school the next day like I was in a car accident and smiling.
I sometimes attack men in my sleep. My exs always tell me how wild I sleep at night and how they can't touch me when im deep sleeping or I become violent.
I have extreme pstd at times. Fits of paranoia and rage.
I don't trust men. Nor do I think I can ever conventionally date again. I try but I leave or dip...or go m.i.a. i just don't feel connected to me like I once did. Its been so many secual wrongs done to me.
But him making me almost love him and then brutally raping me, was the one sexual trauma to truly do me in.
Even if i like a guy, there's a subliminal voice in my head telling me:
"All men are predators, some just are more good at hiding it"
I never hated my transition until that moment. That sheer terror of my body failing me. The sheer terror of my physical strength changed. The utter hopelessness.
"Damn I made myself a fucking target. I had to be a fucking tranny. I'm weak now and can't even protect myself."
And i don't think I can ever trust any man 100 percent. Maybe...at best...99 percent.
But it has made me lonely and depressive. How do I love again? How do I learn to trust?
I don't want to die without finding true love but at this progression...im be an old trans woman with mad cats. Bitter and jaded, seeing the world as evil.
I used to be so carefree. Now I trust nothing.
How do I get a piece of the old me back?
How do I move on?
The memories being like movies. I can see all the details.
 Im ready to heal. 
submitted by tsinnyc30 to stories [link] [comments]


2020.09.28 02:21 tsinnyc30 *Tw* *nsw* (trans woman, 30) I don't know how to be close to men anymore when I think about it all. (Vivid, candid, and graphic)

tw nsw rape/child sexual abuse. I write in a way thats very vivid, thats how the images in my mind work. Maybe its also because I am a writer, and it is hella drilled into us about details. All about the details. I know this can upset some people. So there is the warning.
I was a child of sexual abuse. Which made my rape at 23 worse. Much worse.
When I was 5, I was in foster care. I was a super feminine acting boy. (I am a trans woman now). My foster brothers and male figures never used to play with me. Saying things like:
"Don't you want to play with the girls, sissies don't like sports"
"Take ya gay, useless ass on somewhere" They would always leave me 
In came Carl. He always included me. He was 16/17 and he was amazing at first. He let me play super Nintendo with him. He took me to the park. He snuck me candy like Reese cups, when my Grandma told me no. I loved him. Growing up with my twin in foster care, I felt abandoned. Because I was a feminine boy, i felt doubly abandoned.
 He started asking me if I wanted to cuddle with him at night. My grandma was tired and he was always so nice to me, I don't even think she had a second thought about it. The first few sleep overs with Carl was beautiful. He would just hold me. He would tell me scary stories, then I would run to the bathroom in the dark, running back to his bad shaking. He would get me cupcakes. He would hold me, and tell me how he loved me. Until one night, it changed. He smelled funny to me, the-now-gorgeous-familar smell of Marijuana. He told me he wanted to show me a secret game. The games of men. Not knowing any better, I said show me. I loved and trusted him at 5. He was the big brother I always wanted...replacing the abandoned feeling I felt at my parents. He kissed me. He had vitiligo, and a pink spot that was so unique on the corner of his lips on his right side. I remeber the feeling of his third degree burned hands on my body. His mother tortured him and locked him in the closet for weeks on end in the Bronx. He had cigarette burns all over his body. He was still attractive. Beautiful hazel eyes. Brown skin like mines. Full pink lips. He was a boxer, he turned the hands his mother tried to take from him into weapons that made the street nickname him "Mean Machine", with how savagely he would fight guys on the street. He was also a child of sex abuse, once the system found him at 7, and placed him in group homes, which later, in my teenage years when I found out, made me totally forgave him. He did love me, even though he hurt me, but ultimately as a late teenager, he was just reliving a cycle. It does not excuse him, but compared to my rape at 23, I can forgive Carl. 
He pulled his pants down and put my tiny hands on his bigger genitalia. That was all we did the first time. He called me pretty.
"You really look like a little girl with ya long curly hair and bambi eyes". 
He orgasmed and because it didn't feel bad, I didn't see it as bad. It was just a game.
He then grabbed me softly and forced me to look at him. 
"You can't tell. If you tell, I will die. You don't want me to die right? If you tell, I will be gone and you will have nobody to play with, I will be killed horribly. This is our secret game. Only us. Okay?"
I was heartbroken. I let out a high pitch shrill cry. As I clang to him and repeated:
"Puleazhh don't die...please don't die. Please don't die...i lub you."
He held me again and we fell asleep.
The game was simple at first, just touching, but quickly it progressed.
 The 4th time I saw him, he put whip cream on himself. "I have a treat for you. If you play our secret game well, you will get a reward. You have to lick it off" 
So I did. I remember the smell of him. His just turned into a man pheromones plugging my noise. The sweat of his skin, and the sweetness of the whip cream. I gagged horribly. But he told me i was doing a Good job even though it was barely fitting. I remember his fluid on my face.
He wiped us both off and got a big ass bag of candy out his closet. Again...the behavior was painted as something good by him.
 (Im legit unnerved even though I can't help writing so candidly. To do that to a child, to lie and use manipulation is utterly insidious. To use my emotions, that he should have protected.....it id fucking gross. Gross. A 5 year old. What was sexy about me, I still occasionally peed the bed, I was dirty from always climbing and exploring things, etc...but then its not about that. But its just....ugh. I know he picked me because I was feminine and because I was a loner by the nature of what I am, a transgender individual.) This went on for months. His "you are so beautiful like a little princess", his cuddles, his playfulness. I loved it. Even the sex acts we did, i didn't mind because it was not violent nor did it hurt at that point. It was definitely uncomfortable/ weird and there was no sexual thrill for me. The only thrill was for me to please the brother I loved. If it pleased him, I was happy with that. I had turned 6 and a week later he brought me upstairs. He smelt like straight alcohol. He kissed me aggressively. "I missed my princess" His aggressiveness was scaring me. He had never acted that way before. "Ima go to De-lores. Goodnight. You being weird. (my adopted mom/ I call her grandma too). 
"No...u can't leave yet. You don't miss me?"
He pinned me down, as I yelled for him to let me go. He placed his hand over my mouth and nose, until I almost couldn't breathe and thrashed in the bed. He bent me over and tried to penetrate me, but I was wayyyyyy to small for that. So it never went in, but it was sooo painful. The edges of my hole, burned from the friction of him desperately tryna penetrate me......
He let me down on the cream color carpet of his room as I cried and hit him.
"U HURTED ME...CARL! YOU HURTED MY BUTT. YOU HURTED ME!" HE HUGGED ME AS I HEARD WHAT SOUNDED LIKE A WHISTLE NEAR THE STAIRS LEADING TO THE SECOND FLOOR. 
He placed me in the upstairs bathroom.
"If anybody asks why you up here, tell them you were using the bathroom. And im sorry. Im sorry. You forgive me. I'll make it up to you. I promise. Say you forgive me...please."
"I...forgived...u...." 
I said wiping snot away.
A week later. My grandma sat me down. She asked if anyone was touching us. She looked evil though. I know she would never hurt me, but I loved Carl like family. She had hell and brimstone in her irises, and she got into one of her righteous rants, where she said she would kill for me, kill for my brother, nobody would hurt us.
I don't know if she meant it, but she scared me into silence. I don't blame her. Its hard even bringing those topics up without emotion. But I didn't want Carl to die. So I shut up. At 6, I shut up. I didn't want him to die. And her words made what he said reality in my head.
I never went to him anymore though after my Grandma's talk and him tryna penetrate me. I never let him get me alone. He would try to bribe me with food, candy, video games, begging, clothes, money...but i never went.
He went to Juvie a few months later for stabbing a boy in the face over street wars.
 Life was normal until 11. In fourth grade, I was taking a NYS official test, I was answering a question about the Native American indigenous to NY state and boom: (There were two paintings in the upstairs hallway. My grandma had a picture of a Native man, with striking features, in a swamp, grabbing a snake. It was next to a picture of a black girl playing double dutch. That question connected back to that picture) 
It all played out in my mind like a movie. I didn't even realize I had suppressed it that much. I fought back tears and (I work well in stress, idk why but I do), I got a 97%.
 After that day I became hypersexual. When I think about it, I always was....touching boys and girls. Kissing girls and boys, playing house and being the wife. Always too fucking touchy and in people's personal space. But I guess at 11, puberty hit me full force and the idea of sex became something constant in me. Before that it was all mimicry of what happened to me. At 11, these thoughts entered me and would not leave. I wanted real sex after that moment. It is hell to be hypersexual at 11. My southern-upbrung Grandma was definitely not ready for that. Then my thoughts were about boys. I was consumed with them. Especially older men. Taking my friend in the closet and telling him I love him, while I pull his penis out and offer him a blow job. 
"...ok...ok...idk..but if its you...ok"
 I started fucking myself with things. The ends of a big screw driver with a soft silicon handle. An ugly yellow toy banana I found at Family Dollars. Fingers. It was like older men knew I was in a heat, I didn't want. I would masturbate like 7 times a day. It was never enough. It was all consuming. An older man who liked me gave me a dildo, he never had sex with me though. We would just talk about how it felt when I penetrate myself. He would stutter and cum to my stories. (I lose myself in good anal sex. I still do, I dissassociate in a good way, the noise of the world falls away and all I am in those moments are a body, feeling. There is no analyzing life, or existential crises. There is not a thousand thoughts in my head. No ptsd or bpd or bipolaor depression or all those mental illness therapists told me I had directly and not so directly) This feeling of shame came when I couldn't stop the thoughts. I was something bad and deviant. My thoughts were deviant, so I locked them up tightly. Even though they were ever present Carl came out of juvie/prison when I was 12. His 6 pack all those years ago had turned into an 8 pack. His slender, toned teen body, had grown into a young man's body. I was drawn to him. He felt indebted to me. 
I remember at 12, when of his hood friends used to flirt with me. Nothing crazy, just a little flirtatious. Always tryna wrestle me. Always tryna get my attention.
I came home one afternoon to him surprising me, him agitated.
"Jay is fucking with you D?" "No he is cool" "Lemme know cuz I will end any nigga for you. You hear me...any of them. You mines. You hear me!" 
My grandma sat on her bed smiling. Like aww look at the older brother being protective.
It wasn't protection though. He still felt like i belonged to him some way even though he never made anymore moves. He also felt guilty.
He was always giving me stuff. Clothes. Food. Money. Anything. It could have been his last.
I would watch him shower. He would leave the door open slightly. I would peek and look at his naked body, until my mind went crazy in heat. One Night, he left his shirt on the floor as he showered. I had a small t-shirt on and these too tight underwear. On the same cream color floor where he tried to penetrate me, i pentrated myself with that, ugly yellow banana, inhaling the intoxicating smell of his shirt. I was so into it, I didn't feel his eyes on me. 
He was watching me smell his shirt and fuck myself.
 He was hard and staring when I came on his rug. "We can't do that nomore. What i did was wrong....but fuck...you looked so sexy....still with the soft skin and big bambi eyes." "Fuck all that...i want you to fuck me..." "What's gotten into you...you used to be so innocent and sweet. We don't have to. I will always be be ya side. You still sexy though God. Even more sexy." "I don't know how to handle what you exposed to me. I want dick in me all the time. 24/7. I dream about it. I day dream about it. I fantasize about it. Please Carl, fuck me...please" "Im too big and people in the house and...." 
I got up knocking all the shit off his dresser. There's a rage in me, a darkness. A need. Impulsivity. Like every emotion is competing for best actress.
I started crying in pure fucking frustration. 
"So you could try to fuck me at 6, you pedo, but 12 is too old? Fuck you nigga. I hate what you did to me. You made me so fucking weird and now!!!!! You don't want to FUCKING continue. I hate you. Fucking die."
He hugged me like when I was little.
"You went me that bad? To finally have me truly take ya virginity. Wait a little longer okay. But look at me...clearly I'm excited. Just wait...ok? Sex starves D might be the seseries. (Him referring to me at 5/6 as sexy 🤢🤮, when I think about that disgusting convo) I pouted. He gave me 300 from his drug business to shut up. 
After that, every time he would pass me, he would feel on me. I'd wear little t shirts where my nipples poked out and pajamas too small, so my little butt could poke out.
He would touch me and kiss me in rushing. He was never home, always in the street. 
At 13, he died from a gunshot wound to the heart. He never did get to fuck me.
(Sometimes, when im depressed, and analytical, I think if all that really did propel me on my way to my life now. I pass as a woman and live an alright life, even with the trauma, but my Mom says when things like that happen to us so young, they become apart of our psyche. Not to say I would have been a sterotypical masculine male....but is this why I like being called princess and good girl, is this one of the reasons why I so desperately clung to womanhood, is this why, especially young, all my sexual fantasies were of me being penetrated by older, well hung, developed men. How much of it is my true nature, how much was groomed into me. The choking, the hypersexuality in my youth, the crazy sex adventures I found myself in. I don't think about it often. Its one of those questions that if I let it sit too long in me, will undo me. I love my transition (mostly) but that thought is scary. To think that, the person I am today can be attributed, at the least, slightly, to my childhood trauma)
The real trauma happened at 23. When i was 23, I dated this guy named Jason for 6 months. I had just started transistioning for a few months. He took me out. I met his close friends. I met his cousins. The sex was good, he was sweet and passionate. I felt like i was falling for him. Lucky. Special
I was a new trans woman, and most guys arent always so kind to not so passable trans women.
He treated me like a woman. How I always wanted to be treated.
Up until the night I told him no.
We had went out on a night on the town. The place is near west 4th street in NYC. It is called the Fat Black Pussy Cat. He bought me these bomb ass nachos and like 13 tequila shots. My stomach was queasy and I couldn't keep my head from spinning.
I get home and boom, sleep.
His body weight and his massive hands on me woke me up. (5'9 150 to his 6'5 250 pure muscled body). He was an athlete and he had went to prison. I never saw it as a red flag because it was a white collar crime.
He wanted sex.
I said no. I'm nauseous. In the morning bae.
It took my brain 10 minutes to catch up to what was going on.
My laughs and his stoic face.
My giggles and "stop playing Jason, in the morning im ride it good daddy." fall on a face that was determined.
His hand on my throat squeezing tighter and tighter.
When I realized what was happening (i'm also a childhood survivor as well). I fought. Two rights to his eyes and nose. He laughed. I ran for my kitchen, and picked up a knife but he slammed me.
Those first few moments were straight anxiety. Me, running full speed over my couch; him catching my leg and my face hitting the floor.
Me, head butting him right in his lip. I sunk my teeth into his shoulder blade. He slammed my body face first into my living room wall.
I remember the sound of glass breaking as he slammed my back against my glass coffee table. Bits of glass, like glass splinters, on the side of my spine.
I remember the anxious feeling turning into a doomed one, when my strength and stamina didn't match up to his. Even just 10 months on estrogen shots and anti testestorone pills had made me weaker. Like 50 percent weaker
His laughter in my ear as he said:
"I like girls with heart, ya are more satisfying to break"
After 20 minutes he got tired. Not physically tired. Tired of this fight in me.
I was on my last wind. Every nerve in my body was in fire from fighting with him so long. I grew up fighting and winning as a feminine boy. But as a trans women, on hrt, a high dosage, its just not the same.
I remember my teeth cutting into my jaw as he slammed my head into the kitchen tiles, the hemoglobin left the taste of iron in my head.
He punched my ribs, knocking the wind out of me. Stomped my right hand. I just laid there, as the reality of my situation set in.
Im not getting away.
"Isn't this why you transistioned...to entice men. Didn't you do this to become mines"
I dissassociated as he choked me until i couldn't breathe. Color flashed in front of my eyes. I focused on my cat in a corner, a white ball, like this had happened to her before . I didn't want to die from fighting for the right over my body. So I mentally left.
I focused on a dustball under my stove
I stared at a dead sparrow on my kitchen window ledge I had never noticed. I imagined I was that bird. Dead. If I'm dead, I can't feel and if I can't feel, this is not happening to me.
His kisses on my shoulder....and his "there's my baby girl", was worse than the rape or beating. That memory lives under my skin. His attempted intimacy daring rape. How....how....
It makes me so mad and digusted. Like I wanna take my nails to my skin to kill that fucking memory.
I wanted him to be evil. You are a fucking monster, fucking show it, you disgusting, deviant, criminally sadistic bastard. If you wanna be evil.
He caressed and kissed my unresponsive body.
Pushing his dick into my dry walls, slightly ripping me.
It was messy because I was not ready nor did I prep. It hurt because he went in dry.
I didn't even scream, as I felt myself tear a little. I just stared....i was death in those moments.
He left me there saying "I love you Daisy". I stayed on the ground for 30 minutes. No thoughts. I just stared. My kitty Carmen licked my face and I cried so horribly, stirred back to reality by her. She left white hairs on my chin as she turned into a ball under my neck.
He left anal fissures in me and a hemorrhoid. It hurt to use the bathroom for 10 days. He had fractured the bone below my right index finger. My left eye was filled with blood. When he slammed my head in the kitchen, blood filled into it. I looked like an extra in the Walking dead.
I never told because I am transgender. They don't care if we live let alone if we are raped.
I swallowed it. Never telling anybody for years, going to school the next day like I was in a car accident and smiling.
I sometimes attack men in my sleep. My exs always tell me how wild I sleep at night and how they can't touch me when im deep sleeping or I become violent.
I have extreme pstd at times. Fits of paranoia and rage.
I don't trust men. Nor do I think I can ever conventionally date again. I try but I leave or dip...or go m.i.a. i just don't feel connected to me like I once did. Its been so many secual wrongs done to me.
But him making me almost love him and then brutally raping me, was the one sexual trauma to truly do me in.
Even if i like a guy, there's a subliminal voice in my head telling me:
"All men are predators, some just are more good at hiding it"
I never hated my transition until that moment. That sheer terror of my body failing me. The sheer terror of my physical strength changed. The utter hopelessness.
"Damn I made myself a fucking target. I had to be a fucking tranny. I'm weak now and can't even protect myself."
And i don't think I can ever trust any man 100 percent. Maybe...at best...99 percent.
But it has made me lonely and depressive. How do I love again? How do I learn to trust?
I don't want to die without finding true love but at this progression...im be an old trans woman with mad cats. Bitter and jaded, seeing the world as evil.
I used to be so carefree. Now I trust nothing.
How do I get a piece of the old me back?
How do I move on?
The memories being like movies. I can see all the details.
 Im ready to heal. 
submitted by tsinnyc30 to adultsurvivors [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 15:03 RikarLionheart My (26M) now ex-gf (26F) is dating my now ex-best friend (26M)

I feel bad about posting about this, but I can't stop trying to rationalize this in my head; I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'll try to keep this brief:
5/6 years ago the girlfriend I had at the time had committed suicide. It took a long while for me to get back on my feet. I had this friend (let's call him Dutch) who was there for me in my hardest, darkest time of my life, and helped me become the strongest I am today. During this process, a little over a year later, I met this new girl (let's call her Mary) who was very sweet to me and eventually told me she liked me. We ended up dating for a few weeks (A month I think) but I felt like I was still grieving, so I told her it wasn't ok that she was in such a position and we broke up. In the next week, Dutch had told me he and Mary had ended up talking a bunch and were "seeing each other"; this made me feel sick, since I liked her, but couldn't get over the other still. I realized I wasn't going to let go so I tried to get her back, which didn't happen. For a month I was in the low until they "broke up". I was there for her during that time and we ended up getting back together. Yes, I know it's not the best start, but that's what happened.
Fast forward 3 years. We were together this whole time, even lived together, always had some issues but overall the happiest I've been with a girl. Me and Dutch ended up burying the hatchet some months after the ordeal, with him even going so far as to say he had stayed with her out of pride. Being a good willed person that I am, and given what we had gone through, he eventually become part of my group of close friends, where Mary, her best friend and 3 of my oldest friends were aswell. We were all a "family" of close-knitted friends for these years.
Then me and Mary hit a rough patch and broke up. I talked to my friends, especially Dutch, saying what had happened and that I needed help, I didn't want to be alone and he was there for me, saying all would be fine, that this would yet take a turn. This happened a month ago. It took me a few days but, like lightning, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't let her go. I tried to talk her to make amends with me and she said she wasn't going to since she wanted to keep going without me and that she even had found a "new prospect". Some days passed, I insisted, and when I thought all was lost she gave me a call, asking me to come back. I ran the fastest I had ran back and she took me back with open arms. All the love was there, and I swore to her never to let go. A week passed and she was acting strange... I confronted her and she said she was confused, didn't know if she wanted to stay with me, didn't feel the excitement or will to continue a long and battered relationship forward. She asked me to let her be alone for the following week, and I did. At the end of the week she said she didn't want me back. I don't remember feeling such pain.
The next week passed, with me feeling like I was going crazy with pain and sadness, trying to find a way to get her back. I deactivated my social accounts so I couldn't see her, erased her number, the whole shebang. Then I had a moment of weakness and called her; we talked for over an hour, with me sobbing the whole time, begging her to come back and then she told me her "new prospect" was Dutch. I cannot tell you the rage I felt. I tried calling him, and of course, he didn't answer. After that I called Mary back, completely revolted. We talked for a bit before my father showed up, he made me turn the call off and we took a walk.
It's been a few days, even though it feels like weeks. I love her, with all my being; I want her back. I know (I want to believe) that she loves me still. And I can't make sense of this. He's been immediately excluded and rejected by all the others in our group of friends and she's being seen as someone who should've exercised some restraint. Mary is a girl of very strong principles and a strong sense of justice, Dutch is (if I'm to believe all these years with him) sort of a "ladies man", very independent who's singing her promises of love and availability, like he did before.
I don't know what to do. I want her back and am trying to convince myself this will yet turn, it will not work out for them, she'll want me back. But it's really hard. I think I'm looking for a "Dude, just let time pass. It'll turn", but I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just want her back.
Sorry for the long and convoluted post; I'm desperate. I'm available to clear any questions you have. Please help.
TL:DR - My now ex-gf is with my now ex-best friend just 1/2 weeks after we broke up. I'm sad she didn't give it some time and I condem him for taking advantage of the situation even though he was "helping" me cope with this.
submitted by RikarLionheart to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 01:28 continuedpath Dutch pedo i met on yubo

Warning: very long story
Before i start this story i just want to say that I completely understand how stupid i was for not seeing the red flags earlier on, in my defence , I was still new to the concept of romantic relationships and quite naive. To add on, I was recovering from being ghosted months prior, I had quite horrible self esteem and was willing to put up with shitty and creepy behaviour from people online and I fully regret it. This wasn't very long ago when this took place, during the end of January 2020, with it currently being almost october 2020. However, I would like to think that this experience woke me up a bit. I would also like to say that I thankfully did not send any intimate or sexual photos to this person.
Also, I do not have any bias towards dutch people, even though i've had two horrible experiences with people from the Netherlands and Belgium, I understand that there are always bad apples in every group, and this creep happened to be one of them. Holland is a beautiful country and I'm sure there are very lovely people there, just not him. On a side note, if anyone knows how to see soccer stats of players all over the world/check if someone ever was in that sport, please let me know in the comments.
I'm fully aware that someone might call me an idiot, or I might receive some backlash for falling for this, I understand, but this just shows how vulnerable teen girls can be. I would appreciate it if people don't call me out for being foolish, I know that, I still feel like an idiot. This is why I want to share this, to get some of it off my chest and hopefully this might prevent someone from getting into a similar situation in the future.
This story starts near the end of January, I was 16, studying for my final exams for the first semester of my junior year. I took a study break and was on yubo. For those who don't know what yubo is, it's an app to meet new people, you make an account with your name and age, they either direct you to a server for teens 13-17, or 18+. Some people like to call it the “tinder for teens'' which explains it pretty well. Anyways I was swiping and I found someone, who i will refer to as “T” for now, i don't want to give out his name for my safety and other privacy reasons. What caught my attention was that while looking through his profile he stated he was from the Netherlands, and staying in Canada for a few months. The reason this caught my attention and me personally vulnerable, was that I used to know someone who was also “dutch”, well flemish (from northern belgium). Since this caught my interest, and kind of reminded me of him, I decided to message T.
We got along pretty well but even in the first conversation there were some red flags, he told me he was 17 (also stated on his profile) and that he was staying in a town near mine to work for his uncle at an animal clinic till the summer. He also claimed he had his own car and apartment. Although I don't really know how the education system works, from what I've heard, dutch students can graduate early and take a gap year before they decide to go to university/college, so this could make sense. However, some red flags were that 1. The legal driving age in the Netherlands and many other european countries is 18, he wouldn't have his own car, and he wouldn’t be able to get a license in Canada as a non Canadian citizen. 2. Getting his own apartment seems too good to be true, his family would have to rent it out for him, and honestly that would be alot of money, also it would be stupid to let a 17 year boy alone like that. 3. He was immediately nice and way to flirty, I can't remember much but looking back, it was sketchy. 4. He claimed he didn’t have instagram nor snapchat, but gave me his number, where we communicated on whatsapp. Unfortunately, I did not think to double check the legal driving age in the Netherlands, nor think that it's strange he did not have basic social media such as instagram. We talked the rest of that night on whatsapp where he showed me photos of his dog, food he cooked and he complimented me way too much. Being naive at the time I really thought this was gonna be the start of something great.
The next few days go by and we move too fast, talking about how he wants to date me, talking about things we could do together once we get familiar. (This was extremely manipulative and predatory behaviour looking back, he was trying to groom me). To add on, he claimed he used to play soccer and was at the national level, which i think was a lie considering what i found out later on, and the fact he might have used it to impress me, considering I am more the athletic type, having qualified for nationals (i won't name the sport to keep confidential).
We both wanted to call and we did so on Skype. This means i have him on skype too, and this is how I know his last name (which is a key element). On the skype calls, he looked just like his pictures on yubo where he said he was 17, he didn’t have facial hair and could pass for a 17 year old. He was much different on skype then on text, he talked more sexually and kept going on about how he’s good at it because he was experienced, and how he wants to make the woman feel good, etc. He also said that he didn’t want to force me if i wasnt ready, that sex on the first date isn’t expected, but he also doesn’t see an issue if i were to give him a handjob or something. Looking back, he was quite narcissistic and perverted, always talking about himself and rambling, but still somewhat polite. He had a noticeable accent which makes sense because he's dutch, but he claims he's been to Canada multiple times and had lots of stories about it, (they made sense but they could be fake if he just did some research).
This goes on for a week, until the night before a competition I had (Wednesday, January 29th 2020). His replies became noticeably more short, which felt odd since he was the type to write paragraphs. I didn't question it until the next day, (Thursday, the 30th) at my competition, where i asked why he was so quiet, he said he was “vibing with some girl” and sent a photo of him, with makeup editing on, but at first, i thought it was real. I confronted and he told me to chill, and it was a joke, but he inwas thinking he immediately lost interest (looking back i was stupid for thinking so, but i was used to people leaving and i really liked him, so i was panicking. Also, I was tired from having just come back from my competition and having my exams that week). He then apologizes and says “it was just a joke, you’re making me feel like a murdered a baby”, and then spammed with with those gif stickers on whatsapp, he sent tons, like maybe 30, it was extremely weird and it frightened me more, he was acting crazy at this point, denying my emotions and i felt scared and a little stupid, worried about if this was going to work. I was actually crying because I was so scared of losing something that could be great. I said I was going to sleep and I apologized, claiming I was tired and I said goodnight, he replied with a stone cold “bye”.
On Friday, the 31st, I texted him good morning and he said “hi”, acting completely different from the days before, I asked about last night and why he was acting weird (the spamming stickers and cold texts). He acted like he had no clue what I was talking about, I said I felt scared and he says that the photo of him filtered as a girl was a joke (it was a filter but still not funny to me) he said I needed to calm down, that i was overreacting and that he was busy for one day and that i blew up at him. I apologized sincerely, I felt shitty and he said that he was a little scared and “oof” from me, because of how i acted from the change of his behaviour, saying “i was busy for one day and you blew up like this”. Me being me, I apologized again saying i promise i wasn’t usually like this. He just left my text on read, didn’t reply, and I felt sick. I did horrible at my competition that night.
On Saturday he still didn’t reply, i decided i needed to focus and i deleted my whatsapp app, (my account was deleted however this erased our conversation). Later in the afternoon, after preliminaries, I decided to redownload the app, due to the fact I didn't have finals that night, (I was really slow due to how stressed I was). When I redownloaded, I saw he blocked me, I checked on skype and the same was done there too.
I was really pale and quiet at this point from how stressed I was, I ended up telling my mom everything, that I met this guy and he ghosted me, she didn’t fully understand and I changed some parts of the story, like how I met him. I tried contacting via another phone with international texting and still nothing. I also tried calling and leaving a voicemail with that phone since it wasnt blocked, it probably was stupid and out of line, but i was doing my best not to lose another person in my life. I didn’t bother looking him up too much (i REALLY should have), my mother advised me to move on so i did, i deleted photos and screenshots of conversations and didn't bother trying to search him up, i had to accept he was gone and that i screwed it all up, i felt like it was all my fault. Looking back I should have thought, and done research, especially on a laptop, right after i had met him.
Eventually weeks go by and nothing happens, I eventually decide I need to focus on my schoolwork, and get good grades, even though I was quite sad about it at the time. A few months later, after lockdown had taken place, i thought about T, i wondered about the Netherlands when i was driving one day, the driving age was 16 here, so what was it in the Netherlands? I looked it up out of curiosity, and then felt concerned to realize the legal age to drive was 18. This is where I had my realization, fucking finally.
I immediately grabbed a laptop and searched his first and last name I had from skype, there was not much but i found a Linkedin. I made my own damn account to see his full page, where it stated he had a bachelors degree in international business at a university in the Netherlands. It was his profile with his face, but his job was odd. I've never heard of an “Esports Manager” but reading about his love for gaming was odd when he never even mentioned it to me, also the timeline of his bachelor and his 10+years experience, starting at 13 meant he must have been at least 23 years old. His profile stated he lives near Rotterdam, which makes sense considering it matches with the area code of his phone number, also the +31 is for the Netherlands, so he is most likely dutch. This same information was also available on his twitter bio. I kept doing tons of research, I even went on google images and after searching his name I found a link to a public instagram page. Not his though, his girlfriend’s. I'll call her K:
From what i see , K seems to be a 20 year old woman in finland, who does art. She must still be with him considering her profile picture was his face, she had photos of him from as far as 3 years ago, with them kissing, holding hands and him being tagged, so i naturally was able to see he had an instagram too, but i couldn’t access it (he found my account first and must have blocked me before i ever knew). As soon as he got my full name from skype, it would have made it easy for him to find me there and block my account, so I’ll never know. Fortunately i have a second account which i was able to see he had one, with his profile picture being K’s face, but his account was private and i wasn’t gonna take the risk of following him, he would know it was me. I checked his Facebook too, and there was no mention of him ever doing soccer, which adds to the fact it was probably a lie, although it didn't seem like he used it much. Also, K was not living in the Netherlands, but still in Finland, her instagram was filled with photos of her all over the world, she must be one to travel a lot. There are photos of her in New York, Netherlands, Belgium and Austria. Her last name is also finnish and her facebook and facebook relatives are all Finnish too. I think she and T were in a sort of long distance relationship, but see eachother often by travelling each summer.
I was able to recover old screenshots I sent my friends in January when I was freaking out over the whole situation, and i have a document with all the links to any media or page online relating/identifying to him. I told my friends and they obviously called me out for being stupid, i feel like ive lost some respect from some of them, i dont blame them. It sucks because now one of my closest friends thinks im crazy for dutch guys, and that im legitimately dumb, basically hinting that i shouldn’t have expected anything, and she was right. If something is too good to be true, it probably is. This definitely was something i should have seen, and i was ignoring all the warning signs.
I was advised by them to go to the police and tell my mother. I told my mother and she kind of explained that its not safe going to police, if i don't have enough evidence then it’ll look like i made false accusations, especially considering i don't have the messages where he said he was 17, or any where i said i was 16, plus i lost our whatsapp conversation, all i have is the skype conversation which doesn’t have anything incriminating. She also advised i dont tell K either, it might get me in trouble too, and her reaction is unpredictable. As much as I want to, I most likely won't start anything, I don't want to start personal or legal drama.
It's kind of hard sometimes after all this. First of all, i feel like an idiot. Second, I have proof to expose a pedofile, and get T in trouble for luring a minor (he did want to meet up with me). Third, this information would ruin a 3 year relationship, and honestly that poor girl probably has to deal with his narcissistic and manipulative behaviour, but then again i really don't know what they are both like. But most importantly, i could have been a victim of statutory rape, maybe even have fallen into what could have been a human trafficker trying to groom me.
The reason I say this is because of him mentioning his uncle quite a bit, and his job of being a secretary that works from home for the clinic, but sometimes coming in to do office work, saying that his schedule could be all over the place. When i asked about it he mentioned he takes a lot of calls and manages clients, this could be a far stretch but he was eager to meet me, who knows what could have happened if i did. Also, an “ESports Manager” seems sketchy, and that was enough to get him his own place? I understand that some elements of video games and tournaments can rank up some money, and they’re is proof of him actually being one, even one showing him being a leader for a professional gaming team for ACER in a CSGO tournament. I found this on an esports website and there were also a few tweets about it where they @ him. But still, it could be a potential side job.
There's also another theory of mine that he was never in Canada, and used a vpn to lie about his location on yubo and he could have used google maps to seem knowledgeable about the region im in, however his knowledge about stores and places he claimed he visited seemed to specific and i don't see why he would waste time lying about that, especially when he wanted to meet up irl. Unless he would only be trying to get photos from me, but I wasn't willing to. Which might be why he easily opted out. If he was in Canada, i'm assuming he flew back home anyway because of the pandemic.
Also, he deleted his yubo account, i'm not sure if he made another despite me looking around, i've now deleted that application because i no longer wish to meet new people, i've learned to be content with my life with a few close friends, i don't need a boyfriend.
If i'm honest, i think i am extremely lucky to have had him block me after a week, i could have learned this lesson in a much more traumatic way. I keep tabs on her instagram and I have been able to figure out who some of T’s relatives are via Facebook. I know I seem creepy but it's my way of trying to fully understand who this person was, and if I ever decide to tell the police, I have loads of contacts. Also, i started writing this in august, its now end of september and after doing some more digging, i saw he updated his facebook and twitter to show he lives in Finland now. I think they might have moved in together, but who knows.
I made an imgur and I have a post with photo evidence, however i don't want to break the rules of the sub and I'm here to tell my story, not expose someone.
submitted by continuedpath to creepyencounters [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 21:59 RikarLionheart My (26M) now ex-gf (26F) is dating my now ex-best friend (26M)

I feel bad about posting about this, but I can't stop trying to rationalize this in my head; I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'll try to keep this brief:
5/6 years ago the girlfriend I had at the time had committed suicide. It took a long while for me to get back on my feet. I had this friend (let's call him Dutch) who was there for me in my hardest, darkest time of my life, and helped me become the strongest I am today. During this process, a little over a year later, I met this new girl (let's call her Mary) who was very sweet to me and eventually told me she liked me. We ended up dating for a few weeks (A month I think) but I felt like I was still grieving, so I told her it wasn't ok that she was in such a position and we broke up. In the next week, Dutch had told me he and Mary had ended up talking a bunch and were "seeing each other"; this made me feel sick, since I liked her, but couldn't get over the other still. I realized I wasn't going to let go so I tried to get her back, which didn't happen. For a month I was in the low until they "broke up". I was there for her during that time and we ended up getting back together. Yes, I know it's not the best start, but that's what happened.
Fast forward 3 years. We were together this whole time, even lived together, always had some issues but overall the happiest I've been with a girl. Me and Dutch ended up burying the hatchet some months after the ordeal, with him even going so far as to say he had stayed with her out of pride. Being a good willed person that I am, and given what we had gone through, he eventually become part of my group of close friends, where Mary, her best friend and 3 of my oldest friends were aswell. We were all a "family" of close-knitted friends for these years.
Then me and Mary hit a rough patch and broke up. I talked to my friends, especially Dutch, saying what had happened and that I needed help, I didn't want to be alone and he was there for me, saying all would be fine, that this would yet take a turn. This happened a month ago. It took me a few days but, like lightning, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't let her go. I tried to talk her to make amends with me and she said she wasn't going to since she wanted to keep going without me and that she even had found a "new prospect". Some days passed, I insisted, and when I thought all was lost she gave me a call, asking me to come back. I ran the fastest I had ran back and she took me back with open arms. All the love was there, and I swore to her never to let go. A week passed and she was acting strange... I confronted her and she said she was confused, didn't know if she wanted to stay with me, didn't feel the excitement or will to continue a long and battered relationship forward. She asked me to let her be alone for the following week, and I did. At the end of the week she said she didn't want me back. I don't remember feeling such pain.
The next week passed, with me feeling like I was going crazy with pain and sadness, trying to find a way to get her back. I deactivated my social accounts so I couldn't see her, erased her number, the whole shebang. Then I had a moment of weakness and called her; we talked for over an hour, with me sobbing the whole time, begging her to come back and then she told me her "new prospect" was Dutch. I cannot tell you the rage I felt. I tried calling him, and of course, he didn't answer. After that I called Mary back, completely revolted. We talked for a bit before my father showed up, he made me turn the call off and we took a walk.
It's been a few days, even though it feels like weeks. I love her, with all my being; I want her back. I know (I want to believe) that she loves me still. And I can't make sense of this. He's been immediately excluded and rejected by all the others in our group of friends and she's being seen as someone who should've exercised some restraint. Mary is a girl of very strong principles and a strong sense of justice, Dutch is (if I'm to believe all these years with him) sort of a "ladies man", very independent who's singing her promises of love and availability, like he did before.
I don't know what to do. I want her back and am trying to convince myself this will yet turn, it will not work out for them, she'll want me back. But it's really hard. I think I'm looking for a "Dude, just let time pass. It'll turn", but I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just want her back.
Sorry for the long and convoluted post; I'm desperate. I'm available to clear any questions you have. Please help.

TL:DR - My now ex-gf is with my now ex-best friend just 1/2 weeks after we broke up. I'm sad she didn't give it some time and I condem him for taking advantage of the situation even though he was "helping" me cope with this.
submitted by RikarLionheart to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 18:45 ThrowRA_nofuture I (30F) ended things with him (25M) because he said he didn't see a future, and now I'm wondering if I did the right thing

TL;DR: I met someone younger than me who isn't sure about having family/kids and it's caused us to decide not pursue a relationship. But I'm feeling very unsure and regretting what happened, because ultimately I haven't felt so strongly about a guy for over 10 years.
I met him abroad in April this year. I was visiting Country A, which has a significant time difference to where I live now, Country B. Country A is where I have most of my relatives, so I've visited once there every year or two years since I was a child. We clicked straight away when we met - we both grew up in the same neighbourhood in Country B, but he moved to Country A three years ago to work there. He also has family in Country A, and we both speak the same languages.
I was slightly concerned that he was 5 years younger than me (the same year as my baby sister) since I had never dated anyone even a day younger than me (!), but the chemistry was too strong. Something clicked with him and I felt closer to and more comfortable with him than I had with any of my ex-boyfriends for the past decade (which is kinda sad, because they were all long-term serious relationships). We never had an explicit discussion about it, but I spent so much time with him that I basically moved in with him and his flatmate fairly quickly, and stayed with him for 5 months. I changed my flights three times and extended my stay in Country A to spend more time with him. Eventually, I had to go back to Country B, and we've been doing long-distance for the past month and video-calling twice a day when we can, and it's been really nice.
When we met in April, I had just come out of a serious relationship of 2.5 years with an older guy who was telling me he wanted to get married. I was 80% on board with this plan, until the older guy and I broke up after 6 months of arguments due to an addiction problem that he had hidden from me during the entirety of the relationship, and he wasn't willing to try and resolve. Fresh out of a long-term relationship, I wasn't looking for anything, but I met this guy by chance... and there was just something about him. We hooked up after a few weeks. Neither of us had expected it, and there was probably some Dutch courage involved, but it felt perfect and amazing and just right. The next day, he told me that he had presumed it was a one-off thing, but we talked and he said he would like to continue if I was okay with it. At this point, I was due to fly back to Country B in two weeks' time, so we agreed we would just have a casual fling until I had to leave. I was worried about either of us catching feelings, but he strongly insisted he could mentally compartmentalise these things.
I was a bit worried at this point because he told me (after we hooked up) that I was the first girl he'd slept with for 8 years and that he had only ever had one girlfriend, which was when he was 15-16 years old. Since then, he hadn't even really dated anyone other than one girl he took out on a date to a beer garden, but nothing happened. Although he didn't talk about it much, he seemed really traumatised about his first girlfriend and her dumping him, even though he was now 25. He even still remembered the exact date that she broke up with him. Later down the line, I felt a bit upset about him bringing his past damage from his relationship into our relationship, because I saw how vocally he expressed his feelings to her on social media. Although it’s not necessarily something I would have wanted displayed in public, at the same time, I really wished he could say the same things to me in person. The huge contrast in his treatment of us and the fact he couldn’t bring himself to say the same things to me made me think his feelings for me weren’t as strong. I know I shouldn’t have, but with only one other woman who had been in his life (whom he had clearly loved enough to affect him for 8 years), it was difficult not to compare myself just a little bit. I was also concerned about getting too attached to him due to the fact he seemed to have depression and had previously expressed desires not to live after a certain age.
Regardless, despite my reservations, we started basically acting like a couple and living together. We would eat together every night and watch TV together. He would cook dinner for me and take me out to restaurants. We would hold hands every time we went out and do mundane things like shopping together. I would hug him from behind as he washed the dishes. I met all his friends and his housemate's friends and we would all go out together (Country A has a very low number of coronavirus cases and there isn't much of a lockdown going on there). As I mentioned previously, I ended up changing my flights so that I could stay longer to be with him. We never fought (although we had some differing values and opinions), and I found his strong morals very attractive. He was so respectful and goofy and funny that I started to grow feelings for him, even though we had agreed in our initial talk that it was to be a casual fling. His depression didn't appear to affect day-to-day life as I saw it. His friends all kept telling me they saw a huge change in him, and he seemed more positive and happier since I entered his life.
I think he started to feel the same way, because he asked me if I wanted to date (i.e. become boyfriend/girlfriend) a couple of times over the 5 months I was in Country A. He was drunk on one of the occasions, and I laughed it off. But nonetheless, his attitude started changing. He started to take heed of my likes and dislikes. I told him that I could never date a smoker, and he quit smoking. He knew the age gap troubled me, and (at that time) encouragingly told me that he didn't think it would be unreasonable to start a family in 2 years' time, when he was 27 years old. He asked what I would think of him moving back to Country B for me (he was thinking of quitting his job anyway). I asked him if he would move if it weren't for me. He said no, and that he didn't feel satisfied yet with his experiences in Country A. I replied saying I wouldn't want him to move in that case, as moving across the world would be a big change that might lead to resentment if things didn't work out between us and he still wasn’t done with his life in Country A. I think he took that as me shutting him down, and I got the sense his feelings may have been hurt, but he stopped talking about it.
All in all, I was really falling for him. However, I kept stressing that things were casual between us, because I felt a relationship would only end in heartbreak (we live in different countries, the age gap, I really want kids someday and he's not sure he wants to live for very long, etc.). It was more for my benefit than anything, to put a brake on the feelings I was catching. We agreed that we could see other people, and we always had the option to - but throughout the whole time, neither of us ever did, nor felt the inclination to. We liked each other a lot and we were an exclusive couple in everything but official name.
I started thinking about our future, and the fact I would have to leave Country A at some point. At 30 years old, I was also thinking about marriage and starting a family of my own in the next 5 years or so. I wasn't sure if this guy would be ready for such a step, even in 5 years' time. I discussed some of these concerns to my friend who had met him a number of times. She advised me that he was still young and didn't know what he wanted. She thought I shouldn't overthink things and just date him as long as we both still really liked each other, and that he would "come around eventually" and that it's possible that he would change his mindset after spending a few happy years with me. I acknowledged that he was younger and lacked experience but felt uncomfortable starting a relationship by banking on the fact that he may, or may not, change his mind.
Ultimately, I ended up confessing my feelings to him during my last week in Country A. We had spent two weeks together 24/7 and I was feeling very close to him. We'd taken a day-trip on a date, and rang this "love bell" we found that is supposed to bring eternal love and good luck to couples. I found it very cheesy, but it was his idea to video us kissing in front of it, and I found it adorable that he wanted to do that and loved it. When I told him how I felt, though, he was very unresponsive. I mentioned to him again over the next few days how I liked him, and wondered if there was a future for us after I left. Previously, we talked about how we hated the idea of long-distance, but after the wonderful time we shared, I was personally contemplating that it might be worth a try. Again, he was unresponsive and evasive.
One day, I was leaving the house to see some friends and saying good-bye to him, when I slipped out "love you" at the end. He froze. I felt very embarrassed from his reaction and tried to laugh it off by saying, "you know, I didn't say the actual three words - it's fine". He started saying how he wasn't able to say it back to me, but he did like me. I felt mortified by this point so quickly left.
It was the evening before I was due to fly back, and we still hadn't clarified what was happening. I assumed we wouldn't try out long-distance and felt a bit bummed out because I was wondering if I had imagined the strong feelings I thought we had for each other. We ended up talking things out, very drunk at 2am, and he said it was just all too sudden for him because I had kept rejecting him during the whole time I was in Country A and saying it was a casual fling. I explained to him how my feelings had grown since he first asked if I wanted to date. He didn't want to do long-distance. I queried whether it was worth a try. He said that the age gap, which didn't use to bother him, now bothered him, because he wouldn't be able to give me kids and what I wanted. I said that it's not like I wanted a family straight away, just preferably in maybe 5 years or so. Anyway, long story short: I ended up going back to Country A on the premise that we would keep in touch but still not be dating.
Two days after I got back, he video-called me and said that he changed his mind, and actually, he did want to be in a relationship and see where this goes. After him raining down excuses/reasons on me before I left about how and why he didn't want to pursue a relationship/it wouldn't work, I asked him to think over it for a month and we would talk then. I was concerned it might just be a knee-jerk reaction to missing me and not having me around the house every day, like he was used to. My feelings were still vulnerable and I wanted to make sure that he was serious about me, especially with his flip-flopping decisions and reluctance to say the “L” word. Nevertheless, we continued acting lovingly and coupley and messaging every day.
Today, nearly a month after I returned to Country B, we were having our usual video chat when I brought up the question of our future. My friends from Country B knew I had met someone I liked in Country A, but since we weren't officially dating, in their eyes I was still single. They were trying to be helpful and introduce me to 'eligible bachelors' and so far I had refused to see them all, because of my feelings for this guy. But since he isn't much of a talker, and there was still that "love you" barrier, I somehow didn't feel reassured yet about how he felt towards me - he would often get defensive and have the "what you see is what you get, if you don't like me for who I am, then whatever" attitude. Once while he was drunk, he repeatedly asked me "what do you want from me?" and it made me wonder if he was actually happy with me. I wondered if I was being stupid rejecting all these potential guys, when I still wasn't actually in a relationship with this one.
I therefore asked him what he thought of us, and after a few hours of talking (or mostly me talking), we got to this conclusion: now a month later, he does feel the same way still and wants to date, and would want that in a heartbeat, IF (a) there could be the possibility of some sort of future, and (b) I wouldn't resent him for not being able to give me kids in time. But he also told me that simply, he likes me and doesn't think there needs to be any talk of a future in order to be in a relationship. It was confusing. The conversation then went something like this.
- I told him that if I chose to be in a relationship, I would never resent him, as it would have been my decision and my bed would be made. So (b) wasn't an issue. But I wasn't sure what he meant by (a) the possibility of a future.
- He explained that we didn't know where we would be in a year, and that long-distance was unsustainable because he needed physical touch and contact in a relationship. I told him I was looking for jobs in Country A.
- He reminded me that I had told him not to move to Country B, when he offered to. I countered that I didn't want him to regret being unsatisfied with his experiences in Country A, and even if he did move to Country B, we wouldn't even be able to live together (due to extenuating circumstances). Also, although I've started talking about how I could possibly move to Country A, he's never since repeated the offer to move to Country B.
- I told him that I wanted to be with someone who could see a future with me - and putting aside starting a family as that wouldn’t be right away, could at least work together to plan for something long-term together. He just said he wasn't certain of his future or whether he even wants kids.
- I asked if that means we won't work out, and he replied 'it looks that way’.
So... I guess we've ended things after that whole long summer saga. I felt like it might have been the right thing to do, given my age and circumstances, and given his responses during our discussion.
But I am gutted and still love him. I can't help feeling quite a bit of regret and wondering if I should have followed my friend's advice and just gone for it and seen where it leads, without any pressure? Possibly my overthinking of the situation engineered our potential relationship into its grave before it'd even started?
submitted by ThrowRA_nofuture to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 18:10 Thomaz113 Cross cultural struggles

Hi all,
I (M20) found myself attracted to a awesome girl (F19). For some reason, we both wanted it to be serious. For the record, she is a moroccan muslim, while I am a dutch atheist. I don’t smoke though, I don’t eat pork, I could give up so much to follow as many Islamic guidelines as possible, but as I’m not a believer, I will probably never be halal.
I have been around muslims all my life. I know most of their rules, I participate a week in Ramadan each year, I respect muslims the same way I respect everyone else, perhaps I respect them even more.
She told me she really wanted to date. I know her mother and I know she would be at least kind of fine with a relationship, but as you could imagine, her father probably won’t be. She also said that her father is the only thing in the way
My mother won’t be having problems with me having a muslim gf. My grandparents may judge what they want, but I would not really care what they think of it.
I am trying to get it out of my head and to move on, but we both have a hard time moving on. Even though we both confessed our feelings, we still talk all the time and we both know we would be dating if the circumstances would be right. Would you guys think there may be a small chance that things could work out between us, or would you advice the both of us to move on?
submitted by Thomaz113 to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 03:24 adgjlpiyrwty1098 Criteria for vetoing a baby name

Name nerds,
This post is somewhat in jest but I’m still happy to hear your opinions!
My partner and I are trying to have a baby.
He’s Dutch and I’m Australian with some Dutch (Frisian) and Irish heritage.
We plan to live in Australia, but are trying to find names that are nice enough in both cultures - whether we give a child a more Dutch or more Aussie/Irish name (bearing in mind many overlap).
As we go through names, we suggest names to each other and often the other will veto the name in the typical scenario:
Me: “What about Grace? That’s a nice name?” Him: “The girl I dated before you was Grace, remember, that would be awkward”
and then the name is vetoed.
The other situation goes something like this:
Him: “Nicholas?” Me: “No, I went to school with a bunch of them and they were all awful, particularly this one who used to [story ensues]”
and then the name is vetoed.
My issue is that my partner keeps trying to veto names for reasons that are more distant, such as:
Him: “Lucy? Nope, we aren’t using that. I went to school with a weird girl and one of her sisters was called Lucy.” Me: “Did you know the sister?” Him: “No”
In my mind this is a step too far. He should be able to veto the name of the “weird girl” but not her family (unless they’ve done something to him).
So - name nerds -
  1. what is the threshold one can justifiably veto a name? Can you use the friends and family of those you dislike or only those you dislike? What about celebrities?
  2. What is the most crazy or distant reason for which you have disliked or vetoed a name?
(In saying this, I realise anyone can veto a name for any reason, and that’s why this is a jokey post - I wouldn’t make my partner name a kid something he didn’t want to)
submitted by adgjlpiyrwty1098 to namenerds [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 18:18 Mr_Cobb_andStuff 24[M4F][The Netherlands] Help me graduate from virginity

Hi y’all,
I'm a 24 y/o Dutch guy 6’1” (1,86m), 150lbs (68kg) and let me first tell ya I have like no experience whatsoever. No touching, no kisses, nada. Didn’t bother me for a long time cause life on its own is enjoyable as is. However, seeing all my friends hopping in and out of relationships as of late, I’ve started to feel like I’m missing out. The obvious next step would be trying to date, but a dark shadow of presumed sexual inequality creeps over that mental image. Friends have told me it’s an irrational fear, but for me a real one nonetheless.
“Well then what is he looking for?!” is probably what you are thinking at this point. Or not. I can't tell you what to think. Well anyway, I’m looking for a girl, virgin or experienced, who wants to end this status quo once and for all by either figuring out this apparently wonderful world of intimate physical contact with me, or introduce me to it and teach me how to not be a completely incompetent fool about this.
So to finish off this lovely little text that was really quite uncomfortable to write, I’ll tell you some stuff about myself. Like I mentioned before, I’m a 24 year old guy. I like to listen to music, mostly 70’s British progressive rock that I try to find on vinyl, but with some of the more obscure bands that can get quite hard. I also go for runs, read, play guitar (badly), play games (also badly) and occasionally hang out with friends.
If you made it this far, live somewhere in the Netherlands (randstad area would be nice but we all know how swell our train network is) and you're interested, then by all means contact me and we'll see if something happens.
submitted by Mr_Cobb_andStuff to VirginityExchange [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 21:54 itskady The Root of all Darcey and Stacey's issues...

So I've been watching 90 day since season one and have been watching Darcey since she first strutted her stuff down an Amsterdam airport escalator and recently I was rewatching some clips and just gathering info together and I really believe that most of Darcey and Stacey's (mainly Darcey) problems are rooted in the loss of their brother, Micheal.
Let me explain. Darcey's older brother died from a rare form of cancer when he was, I believe, 27 years old we know from what she and Stacey have said that Micheal was their "protector" and really the man of the house. When he died he left a vacancy there, especially in Darcey, and she is now forever searching for Micheal in these twenty-something-year-old foreign men.
Jesse was 24 when she met him and somewhere around 25-26 when they broke up. He is Dutch.
Tom was 38 when she dated him but would've been around 33-34 when she met him online. He was British and presented (terribly) a never gentlemanly posh attitude.
Georgi is 33 years old and Bulgarian. Also presenting his very douchey fake gentlemanly attitude.
So what is Darcey looking for in these men? What she found in Micheal, a protector, a gentlemen, someone who treated her like she had worth. Many people know the term daddy issues and the whole idea that women look for their father in the men they date Darcey has brother issues because her brother was a surrogate father. For example, if a father was a violent drunk throughout a daughter's childhood she'll gravitate toward men who are violent or addicts in an attempt to 'fix' them or to find some type of familiarity. Darcey's father was in China working most of her childhood so he was absent we know that her brother really stepped up and became that father figure to them now that he's gone she seems to resent her father and long for her brother attempting to find him in these younger men. At his grave, she and Stacey mention he was strong, loyal, and "a real man". Stacey says to the camera that she wants a man like Micheal for Darcey, the only thing they can discuss at his grave is his qualities and how they want that in a partner. (A bit odd to associate your brother with men you'd like to date)
You can tell from all of Darcey's scenes that she is looking for that fairy tale dream, a prince to come take her away and marry her and all her dreams will come true. She thinks that these foreign men will be able to offer her this, she believes these cultures have strong gentlemanly men who will protect her the way her brother did. She dates these younger men because they are all close to the age range Micheal was when he died. I really feel for Darcey and I can't even begin to imagine her pain or loss. In a way Darcey is still that little girl looking for someone to protect her, I can't help but wonder what or who Micheal protected them from?
I don't think Darcey will ever be able to have a successful relationship until she properly grieves for her brother and can move on with her life.
submitted by itskady to DarceyAndStaceyTLC [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 08:51 taxfree1972 Accidentally came out

When I (47/M) look back at my life I could have known that I was bisexual since I was like 6 or 7, when I was interested in playing doctor with my male friends (but nobody wanted).
I grew up in a religious setting, however my parents never said anything homophobic, in my religion there was some homophobia. You were asked not to participate in some rituals if you were openly gay (as if there was only straight and gay).
Because I also liked girls I dated girls until I was 42, even married one. Never thought any of it until after my divorce (for another reason).
Up until then I satisfied my bi side by watching some gay porn now and then (even before internet on Usenet). After my marriage I hade a rebound girlfriend for a year but when we broke up things got different. In a few years over 60 different male partners, of which many just one night stands.
Also I started doing drugs. My religion taught me to not think for myself but just follow their rules and thoughts. It was more like a cult. I left at age 35 but could not shake it off me and could not feel a thing when it came to determining what I want or feel. The drugs (XTC, I'm Dutch so hey that's kind of expected) have helped me to get a little bit in touch with my feelings again. Still using it now and then, although definitely NOT promoting it. Stay away from drugs kids!! And adults too. Stay out of trouble.
Then, on to the accidental outing. Although a few very close friends already knew, it was still no common knowledge earlier this year.
I used the dating site bullchat as my main source for dating men, but that site sucks big time. So a trans women friend of mine and me decided to design a much better dating site/app (still in dev).
Fast forward to the photos for the front page. I found 10 beautiful gay oriented photos on a stock site and decided to share the with my trans friend on whatsapp. Accidentally I shared them with my group of 8 friends...
I tried to delete them from that whatsapp group as quickly as possible but also accidentally clicked "delete only for me". So no chance in hell to remove them anymore.
So I posted an explanation the day after. Everybody was ok with it. Not much was said but "we still love you". And they did. Next time I met them irl nothing was awkward in any way. They were happy for me.
Then, I decided to tell my parents of 77 and my brother of 51. When we were together without the wife and kids of my brother, I said I have something important to say. I said I am not sure I'm 100% straight and they were like "that's it? we thought it was something horrific" and the day went on without any awkwardness.
Later on I shared it with more friends and nobody bats an eye. I feel so lucky to have friends and family that don't care about my sexual preference. It's just as common as being straight.
Later on my brother said "well it's just a coincidence I ended up marrying xxxx, things could have gone totally different", implying he's not 100% straight as well. His middle kid, born female, currently calls themselves Damien.
Ordered lots of things with bisexual colors which are now being delivered. I feel valid.
TL;DR: accidentally came out at age 47, everybody is ok with it. I'm valid.
submitted by taxfree1972 to bisexual [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 00:23 AlphaJoah 2 months, 1 relapse and 35 days of NoFap. What I've experienced and what I learnt

I don't know exactly where to start. I can safely say that my ex girlfriend left a man that I no longer am. I started my NoFap journey about a year ago but wasn't as resilient as I am now. During my first 1 month streak starting back in August, I aimed to win her over again. In retrospect, I did. But the woman she had become, I did not see as worthy anymore. I somehow knew what was better for me. From there, my uncertainty as well as lust for her had triggered a relapse and I realised this is for me, not for anyone else.
My second streak and new mindset literally had changed my life. I started reading, becoming more spiritual as a person by pursuing Buddhism fully, I started working on building classic cars and I aimed to getting my grades up. The problem with my grades was that I was so focused on my crumbling relationship, that I failed the year by failing to turn in 12 assignments. I didn't know what to do, so I booked an appointment with my principle and I told him everything. This was the first week of NoFap and I was looking my principal in the eye and saying "I have a problem, I need your help". From there, he seemed to suddenly have a form of respect for me and has allowed me to catch up the work.

As time went by, I found myself more and more emotionally stable, I had even taken up the One Punch Man Challenge by week 2. Every day, I found myself doing 100 situps, 100 squats, 1000 pushups and a 10 km run. The pain was unbearable but I found that by week 3, the workout no longer had any affect on me and I found myself doing more intense workouts. My muscles had grown more in 2 weeks than it did in years of on and off gyming. Following that, I soon went back into playing guitar. I am quickly learning more and more each day about the instrument now than I ever have, I've just found myself to be more focused.
Soon, I was going on dates again, old friends started returning and all 3 of my exes had either invited me out for dates, called me or apologised. Keep in mind, that all of them left me for other men that they were seeing behind my back. The most recent, I would've killed to hear her voice, a part of me still will, but as I said the woman she is now, I can no longer respect. She called me and I literally said "I'm jogging, make this quick". Our breakup had me see a majority of my friends take her side and those who stayed with me have all said that I had become a completely different person. A more mature and open person. I have received "well spoken" and "well punctuated" on several occasions.
My intuition strengthened and I could seemingly know what people were thinking, even when they weren't around me. My father with whom I've barely had a relationship with, had asked me to be his best man for his wedding. Mind you, he walked out on me when I was 6 and I relentlessly pursued a father son relationship with him but I had never seemed to get anywhere. I just followed a gut instinct to go see him and I went through with driving 45 minutes to catch up, the best man thing followed shortly afterwards.
Eventually, my AdBlock failed and I found that my PC no longer blocked adult sites anymore. I saw it as a trial, my Chrome became a temptation once again and as of writing this I still haven't broken the streak.
By the week 3, I started going on dates again, I had met this beautiful mandarin girl with whom I have had 3 dates with already, I feel comfortable with everything I say to anyone, including her. I find that I'm not as shy or nervous than I once had been. I saw that I now speak my mind while also thinking about what I'm about to say more than I usually do. A number of women that I deemed out of my league then started paying attention to me, from a Dutch girl who I've known for years suddenly becoming increasingly close to the point where my picture stays on her wall to an Arab girl who referred to me as "Perfect" sticks in my mind.
I'm not perfect though, there's so much about me that I don't like, my fast metabolism which tops me from gaining weight, the scars on my face, chest and knuckles, the claw marks that my ex left on my back over a year ago and the feeling of being so easily replaceable is there. People call me handsome as well as cute but I don't feel that way alot of the time. Yet, I can still say "Yes, I am a beautiful person."
My body had strengthened further, my old high school friends returned, my job got more pay, most of my relationships harmonised, I meditate, I exercise, I get my work done, I build cars, I visualise a future where things are harmonised further where ex and I at least have a mutual respect and I have my career, I have my savings growing monthly for future financial security and most importantly, I've realised that I need to look after myself before I do a man or woman. That future me is something, I need to work towards, I trust myself in making the right decisions. I believe in the future I visualise each day, I believe in the Universe that'll help me achieve said future and I believe in myself to make that future possible.

I guess a good way to end this off is to say
"Yes, I've had my problems, I've had my traumas, I've had moments where I just wanted to die, I've lost lovers, I've lost friends, I've been addicted, I've been starved of affection and I've never had a good image of myself. But that's ok. I'm ok and thing's are only getting better."
Should you do NoFap?
Yeah, you should. There is nothing but benefits. You literally have nothing to lose.
submitted by AlphaJoah to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 20:43 Kujo17 What is "Patriotic Education "? In response to the impending executive order from trump Jeff Sharlet breaks down what people can expect, and highlights why this is something every American needs to be aware of. To say it's a chilling read, in my opinion , is an understatement.

Jeff Sharlet is a published author, and this post was originally a Twitter thread made by him, the original link can be found here and was converted via ThreadReaderApp- hence the formatting and spelling choices.
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"Patriotic education" is Stephen Miller's fascism + Mike Pence's fundamentalism. Some years ago, I took a course in "patriotic education" for my book THE FAMILY. I spent a season reading its textbooks & talking to its teachers. Here's what to expect... A thread.
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It'd be cliché to quote Orwell were it not for the fact that fundamentalist intellectuals do so w/ such frequency. At a rally to expose the “myth” of church/state separation Orwell was quoted at me 4 times: "Those who control the past control the future." 2/
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1st time I heard Orwell quoted at a patriotic education rally was from William Federer, author of America's God & Country, which then had sold 1/2 mil copies--cherry picked, distorted, & fabricated quotes for students "proving" U.S. founded as Christian nation... 3/
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"Patriotic educators" teach that Jefferson's wall of separation between church & state is misunderstood. It was meant as a "one-way wall," Federer claimed, to protect church from state, not the other way around.4/
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The first pillar of American fundamentalism is Jesus; the second is history, and in the fundamentalist mind the two are converging. We heard that at the White House "History" conference, the notion we need more Christ in our schools, that our past is Christian... 5/
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"Patriotic education" is a fundamentalist concept. Just as fundamentalist religion supposes that divine truths are literal & determined by (white male) authority, so fundamentalist history discards the ongoing work of knowing the past. 6/
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"Patriotic education" proposes, as did the White House conference, that the Constitution is divine, "god-breathed," as some say, & thus impervious to expanding ideas of rights. That's the religion behind Clarence Thomas' constitutional "originalism." It's false.7/
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Textbooks already written for "patriotic education"--those used in Christian nationalist schooling--emphasize Northwest Ordinance of 1787, which declared “religion” necessary to “good government” & thus to be encouraged through schools. This is cherry picking. 8/
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The Christian nationalists aren't wrong that Protestantism was a central part of education for much of U.S. history. It wasn't until the 1930s that public ed veered away from biblical schooling. Because the 1st amendment. Because liberty of conscience. 9/
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When I began reading the Christian nationalist school curriculum over a decade ago, it was already being taught to more than 10% of U.S. kids. That number has grown, a lot. It's big enough now to make a bid for control of least some public schools. 10/
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The modern Christian Right--without which there would be no Trumpism--began not in national politics but on school boards. Those elections matters. The Right knows that. Those dismissing "patriotic education" as 2020 tactic are themselves ignoring history... 11/
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A popular jr. high "patriotic education" textbook begins: "“Who, knowing the facts of our history, can doubt that the U.S has been a thought in the mind of God from all eternity?” Trump, ystrdy: "the fulfillment of a thousand years of Western civilization." 12/
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That's from a textbook called "The American Republic for Christian Schools," published by Bob Jones University Press, a major Christian nationalist education publisher. You may remember Bob Jones as the fundamentalist school that banned interracial dating until 2000. 13/
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Emphasis at White House history confab on private property. Here's a Christian nationalist high school econ textbook: “One must never come to see... free market as an end in itself. [It] merely sets the stage for an unhindered propagation of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” 14/
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"Patriotic education" likely wldn't exist w/out a man named Rousas John Rushdoony--the most radical Christian nationalist & "biblical capitalist" you never heard of. He thought of himself first & foremost as a historian, "correcting" secular, socialist education. 15/
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Rushdoony taught the modern pioneers of Christian nationalist ed to teach "providential history," such as the “Protestant Wind” with which it says God helped British defeat Spanish Armada so that the New World would not be overly settled by agents of the Vatican. 16/
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Rushdoony also established as bedrock Christian nationalist history idea that secular democracy is defiance of God--that real democracy means submitting to God's will as expressed by his "chosen one," the strongmen He puts in power. Sound familiar? 17/
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"History is God's working in man," the director of a popular Christian nationalist education publisher told me. In fact, he preferred to call U.S. history "heritage studies." Trump loves that word, "heritage," too. (Maybe it has something to do w/ the $413 mil he inherited?) 18/
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"Heritage studies," or "patriotic education," is a cult of personality. History matters not for its progression of “fact, fact, fact,” Michael McHugh, a pioneer of modern Christian nationalist ed, told me, but for “key personalities.” It's the strongman view of the past. 19/
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Trump ystrdy spoke of history as an "unstoppable chain of events"--culminating in him. This isn't a '20 campaign tactic. He's been talking "history" more & more for over a year, chipping away at Rushmore's remaining raw granite to add his name, his "key personality." 20/
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Trump doesn't need to know the particulars of Christian nationalist "history" to make it point to him. He surely doesn't know John Witherspoon, the only pastor to sign the declaration, from whom Christian nationalists derive a kind of "democratic" divine right to rule. 21/
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Another "key man" already established in the Christian nationalist schooling that's the basis for "patriotic education" is Trump's fave general, MacArthur--fired by Truman for almost sparking WW III. That's who "patriotic ed" wants our boys to be. 22/
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If "patriotic education" wants our boys to be "violent men [who] take it by force," as a popular Christian nationalist Bible verse puts it (Matthew 11:12), what does it dream for girls? That they be subject to what Christian nationalists--& Stephen Miller--dub "chivalry." 23/
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Another "key man" in "patriotic education" is Sgt. Alvin York, a WW I hero repurposed by Christian nationalism as the greatest Christian sniper in U.S. history. "God uses ordinary people," teaches the lesson. Reminds me of a popular Trump t-shirt I saw reporting ralies... 24/
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"Patriotic education" proposes he greatest "key men"--Washington, Lincoln, &, now, Trump--as divine. Popular Christian nationalist art often depicts them attended by a ghostly Christ or angels; & texts offer "proofs" of their chosen-ness. This is also known as "fascism." 25/
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During Iraq War, Christian nationalists erected 100s of billboards depicting a U.S. soldier backed by a ghostly Washington. Now it's cops, heroes in nationalist imagination of a new war, backed by angels & patriotic ghosts. 26/
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As w/ Texas state legislator other day, "patriotic education" repackages defeats--the Alamo--as victories & men who renounced U.S.--Confed. generals--as American heroes. "America" in nationalist imagination isn't united; it's "red states," it's whatever strongmen say it is. 26/
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"Patriotic education" has always meant preparing for war as a lens through which to view world, whether the Civil War then or a prospective one now. "Boys, are you ready for warfare?" asks one homeschooling video, "Putting on the Whole Armor of God." 27/
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Such terms come straight outta R.J. Rushdoony. Christian nationalist apologists, "responsible" conservatives, insist Rushdoony was fringe. & yet he was in many ways father of 2 major ideas: Christian homeschooling, & "providential history"--aka modern "patriotic education." 28/
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This gets wonky: Rushdoony in turn studied a turn-of-the-century Dutch theologian Abraham Kuyper. Kuyper was complex--but 1st Rushdoony, then Watergate felon Chuck Colson, & now today's Christian nationalists--twist his thought into a proof for nationalist education. 29/
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They take Kuyper's idea of "presuppositionalism"--in essence, subjectivity--as proof that neutral governance is impossible. Then they declare that subjectivity an objective "fact" to conclude that govt can only be for God or against him. Trump on Biden: "against God!" 30/
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Even tho he was an anti-Catholic Christian nationalist, modern "patriotic ed" pioneer Rushdoony loved JFK's rhetoric for its framing of U.S. as a redeemer nation (JFK: "God's work must be our own.") So, too, QAnon now cherry picks JFK for prophetic proof of Trump's glory. 31/
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A big part of my course in "patriotic education," like Christian nationalist education in general, was consumed by Stonewall Jackson--who got more ink in U.S. History For Christian Schools textbook than even Lee, much less Grant (forget all about Douglass).32/
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A nationalist magazine called Practical Homeschooling used to (& may still) offer instructions for Stonewall Jackson costumes in honor of his birthday. A text called Stonewall Jackson: The Black Man's Friend is--well, hell, do I need to explain how f'd up that is? 33/
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What's up w/ Stonewall Jackson & Christian nationalist education? The modern version partly began w/ him, when Rushdoony discovered a forgotten bio that framed him as fighting NOT for slavery, or the South, but the supposedly Christian ideals of the founders. 34/
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Within "patriotic education," Confederate generals like Stonewall Jackson aren't the traitors they objectively were, they're men who transcended partisanship in the service of Christian ideals. Christian nationalists do denounce slavery, too. Lotta cognitive dissonance. 35/
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"Cognitive dissonance" is maybe a good place to pause this thread on Christian nationalist roots of Trump's "patriotic education" initiative. My 6th grader's remote classes are over; time for homeschooling. We won't be studying Stonewall Jackson. 37/
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2020.09.17 12:58 defnotRoxanne Should I (28F) Leave my boyfriend (32M)?

Help me out.
I’ve been dating a guy for three years and I love him very much. But he’s been a total asshole to me (I think) He said that having sex with someone for three years is boring him out. He’s also mean to me when he’s having a lack of sleep. Through this relationship, I feel less worthy and my confidence is shattered. I wear glasses and he thinks I’m ugly with my glasses, he said: “your ex wanted to keep you ugly”? Now my eyes went under surgery, so I don’t have to wear my glasses anymore.
Edit: he didn't make me do surgery. I wanted this myself. It's just to let you guys know how he sometimes can be rude about my appearances
At the beginning of the relationship he didn’t want to sleep next to me when we started living together. We slept apart because he didn’t want to grow tired of me. Now we sleep apart during the week because we sleep better and I honestly don’t mind. But I do feel like his friend, not his girlfriend. he also said that if I would get fat, he would throw me out. (I’m 48 kg) he said that attraction is very important, and duh... I know that too. I would never get fat. But I always have to fit into his needs and I can’t do it anymore.
When he is having sleep problems he is a total ass to me. He doesn’t want to talk and is very mean. I talk to him about it, but he said I’m creating much drama. I don’t want to give him drama so I am trying to leave him alone. But sometimes I’m longing for some love, a love he doesn’t give to me. He said that he saw our relationship as a reason to stop moving forward in his life, but that’s not my fault, right?
About the sex, he’s always looking to other women and mentioning their hotness to me. Even when I feel very insecure by the way he is treating me. We were sitting in the McDonalds and he mentioned how good the 16-year-old looked. I was really angry. We agreed to have sex together with prostitutes or call girls. (that’s my gift to him, to make him happy) But he’s still an ass to me ☹
Edit: I find this kinky too.. But he should not point out every hot girl on the street.. It must be enough...
I love him very much, I can’t make the decision to leave. I’m afraid that my view about relationships is surreal. If I dump him.. Will I even find someone who can make me happy? I’m afraid to go away. I have no friends anymore and I can’t depend on my family. I’m just very scared that I would make a bad decision leaving him.
What can I do? I’m really lost and I am very depressed
PS: Sorry for my English, I’m Dutch.
Edit: thank you so much for all the reactions.. I really needed to hear this. I can't talk to friends or family because I now don't have any.. But that will change. I'm starting to realise that this isn't my fault and that I did the best I could for this relationship to work.. I can't blame myself one single thing. He made me hit rock bottom.
submitted by defnotRoxanne to askwomenadvice [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 20:24 supmichael First date questions

A legitimate question for the ladies as I want to understand better. Do you girls genuinely expect the guys to pay for all the bills?
How would you feel if the guy accepts your offer of going dutch by asking u to pay for desserts at another place after the coffee/dinner date that he just paid?
submitted by supmichael to Perempuan [link] [comments]


2020.09.14 12:39 Dedmon3000 Watching competitive Hearthstone (September 14 through 20)

VODs:
Upcoming events:
If I happen to miss something that should be added, let me know and I will do so. Thanks for reading!
submitted by Dedmon3000 to CompetitiveHS [link] [comments]


2020.09.08 10:18 Entry_Stunning I (M27) met my second soulmate (F30) when I had a relationship with my current soulmate (F29) years ago during a journey in NZ

A story I was told not to tell to anyone. My native tongue is not English so you will find some writing faults.
Long story, TL;DR on the end of the post. If it fits on a better subreddit please let me know.
I'm a big and friendly guy, 6"4, 31 years, almost bold and with a small overweight on the front side (because of the beers)
About 4 years ago I (back then 27 years) started a journey to New Zealand. After a long relationship of almost a decade I wanted to do something what was on my bucket list for a long time. By doing that I would come back to Europe and start fresh with a new job and life. Or even stick around for a couple of years. Didn't know back then. I gave myself a year to prepare myself and collect some money to start the adventure. During that year as a single I had some fun fooling around (gonewild stories for another time) and meeting girls using the Tinder app or just go to the pub. In the same time I got the stuff I needed to the travel, told my parents and now it was just the wait to go.
And at that same moment I met a girl I thought could be my future wife (and soulmate) and mother of my children (she is right now). So we start dating and I was clear from the start that I would go to NZ in about six months . We connected so well that she wanted to wait for me till I got back and even come over. This was really hard sometimes untill we even had some big fights. Those fights almost ended our relationship everytime. We made the arrangements that I would stay away for more than six months and I was fine by that because I saw a future together, even with those fights. Every couple has some fights, right?
Time past by and it was almost time. I would have a long one stop flight of almost 24 hours to the other side of the world. On the day I left and I was waiting on the airport and she was heading home we had a massive fight by calling and texting each other. Eventually I had to enter the plane and it took off. So I went away with a terrible feeling about our relationship and myself.
One of the goals of my adventure was to re-explore myself as a person and get back with a clear goal what I wanted for work, life and love.
The first month and a half went by smoothly and we didn't fight at all but we didn't communicate that well either. In those first weeks we kept the foresight in our kind for our time together here in NZ. She came over and we had a massive fight at the airport because I misscalculated her time true security etc. The time I arrived in NZ it took me almost 2 hours true security. My gf did it in 15 minutes. And I would be there 90 minutes before our calculation so it would be plenty of time.
We had a good chat and we're happy to see each other and went for a travels together on the northern island.
The time was going fast and our 3 weeks travel ended quickly, sad enough because it was a great time and we still have good memories about it.
Eventually she went home and I went south. During my time in NZ I stayed with kiwi family at home on there homestead or farms for 80% of the time. One of my other goals was to experience how kiwis live and do and not just travel around like a tourist. That worked out perfectly and I have a lot of sweet memories and experiences as a reminder.
The other 20% I was staying at hostels and was traveling around with my fellow tourist friends. And there is were the confession happened.
My gf had a couple of rough fights during my stay with the family until the point I thought our relationship would end soon and she would throw my stuff I left at her place on the street.
So during my time at the hostels I had a lot of fun with partying, doing fun stuff and just having a good time. It felt I lived a singles life there but I never crossed the line of doing something with someone else than my gf. When people asked me if I would have a gf I would tell them yes but everybody expects that you're single if you are traveling around alone. In the end a Dutch girl would know it because she was stuck in a similar position as I was. We had some good chats about it and helped me getting true the fights we had. During my trip mostly I hitchhiked but twice I used the stray bus. It takes you from A to B with all the tourist stops. I used the bus to go from Greymouth to Queenstown on the South island. We stopped at Frans Josef for 2 nights near the glacier where you can walk towards to. We stayed as a group at the rain forest retreat. A hotel but it also got group rooms with bunk beds where we stayed at. At the center of the hotel was a restaurant/pub where almost everyone came together for food, drinks and party. First night we had a lot of beers and fun and getting to know each other. We were with 20ish people with 4 guys and the rest girls. There were multiple busses of different companies at the retreat.v
The next day I went for a hike with on of the guys called Josh. The evening we went to the pub and some new busses arrived and other left. One of those busses was another stray bus. Kind of a tradition both stray busses came together on a big long table. With like 10 people we were sitting there already before the other group arrived. The new group arrived with a lot of girls again, 3 out of 15 guys and the rest were girls. One of the girls immediately caught my eye. A tall, slender (about 6", myself 6"4) and beautiful brunette/blond woman. She looks like Sarah Rafferty (Donna of Suits) only with brown-blond hair.
She saw me as well because of my tallness even I when were sitting. First she was sitting on the other side of the table but both Josh and I caught our eyes on the new girls so slowly we were moving there way. At the end of the evening it was just a 8 people left with Josh, 4 new girls, the two drives and me. And then she were sitting next to me and we had a good chat, her name was Ina (30 years then) and she was from the UK. We connected really well (maybe another soulmate) and we stayed there till almost everyone left. We said each other a good night and we exchanged numbers the next morning because I was leaving with the bus and she stayed for a night a longer.
I left Frans Josef but we kept texting. With one stop in Wanaka I arrived in Queenstown. From there I went to a family south of Queenstown to stay at their sheep farm for a few weeks. During this time I kept chatting with Ina and we were getting along even better. We even video called a couple of times. At the same time I was in a relationship with my girlfriend what went sometimes well and sometimes not so well. So I couldn't tell my experiences with my gf because it was hard for her that I was doing fun stuff and she was waiting at home for me. So instead of telling my stories to my gf I told them to Ina.
For about 6 weeks I kept chatting with Ina untill I left NZ to go to Thailand, Combodja and Taiwan. There I would meet my gf to travel there for a few weeks. During that time I kept texting with Ina but not so often anymore. Eventually my gf and I went back home and started to live together. During this time we still had a lot of fights where sometimes we almost quit our relationship. I always kept in touch with Ina as kind of back up because I knew we connected so well. Eventually I had to tell my gf I was texting with her because of all the things happened during the travels. We had the biggest fight ever but we had a long talk about it and eventually we decided we would stay with each other under some conditions. I had to text Ina that I didn't want to talk with her anymore and that I couldn't tell anybody about it. So I did that and we start working on our relationships.
We did that and we are almost 3 years along. We moved to a new fresh place, we got married and I have a son. I couldn't be happier about it. We got everything we got and we had a fight in almost a year.
The key part is that we kept communicating about everything, positive things and hard things and that brought us closer together.
There is one downside about everything is that I never really closed the connection with Ina. Even after all these years sometimes I think about her and the good connection we had. I still feel sorry for her and I feel really bad about what I did to both. Sometimes I just want to tell her that I'm sorry but the only one I will help with this is probably myself. I hope she moved on and found a nice guy with a good connection.
Any feedback or questions are welcome. What shall I do about it? Text Ina or just leave it be? Tell my gf about it I feel this way and hurt her about it?
TL;DR I met my second soulmate during my travels in NZ during my relationship and sometimes still think about it and know if I need to do something about it. Currently really happy in my relationship with my Wife, son and beautiful farm.
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2020.09.07 13:25 Dedmon3000 Watching competitive Hearthstone (September 7 through 13)

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If I happen to miss something that should be added, let me know and I will do so. Thanks for reading!
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2020.09.06 03:45 whyme1924 Sources to Counter Common Transphobia

Classification as a Mental Illness

Being trans is not classified as a mental illness by either the American Psychological Association or the World Health Organization. Gender dysphoria or incongruence is recognized by both as a medical condition, and transition is the only treatment recognized as effective and appropriate medical response to this condition. A trans person who has completed transition, and who no longer experiences distress because the conditions previously causing it have been corrected, is no longer diagnosed as having dypshoria or incongruence.
Transgender no longer recognised as 'disorder' by WHO

Citations for the Medical Basis of Gender Identity

Citations for the Medical Necessity of Transition

Citations for the Reduction in Suicide Rates

There are a lot of studies showing that transition improves mental health and quality of life while reducing dysphoria. Not to mention this 2010 meta-analysis of 28 different studies, which found that transition is extremely effective at reducing dysphoria and improving quality of life.

Countering That Swedish "Suicide Study"

the 40% suicide rate is a reference to this study by Dr. Dhejne. The claim that her study shows that transition does not reduce risk of suicide attempts while improving mental health and quality of life is a deliberate misrepresentation popularized by Paul McHugh, a religious extremist and leading member of an anti-gay and anti-trans hate group, who presents himself as a reputable source but publishes work without peer review. His claim to fame is having shut down the Johns Hopkins trans health program in the 70's, which he did not based on medical evidence but on his personal ideological opposition to transition. Johns Hopkins has resumed offering transition related medical care, including reconstructive surgery, and their faculty are finally disavowing him for his irresponsible and ideologically motivated misrepresentation of the current science of sex and gender.
That study's lead author Dr. Dhejne had emphatically denounced McHugh and his misuse of her work. If for those who don't trust the TransAdvocate article, she did so again in her Science AMA last year.
Edit: Details on Dr. Dhejne's often misrepresented study - it found only that trans people who transitioned prior to 1989had slightly higher risk of suicide attempts than the general public. The author attributed this higher risk to the vicious anti-trans discrimination people who transitioned 29+ years ago experienced. The study found no difference in the risk of suicide attempts among trans people who transitioned after 1989, vs the general public.
She is also the primary author the other study I posted below, An analysis of all applications for sex reassignment surgery in Sweden, 1960-2010: prevalence, incidence, and regrets, which found a "regret" rate of 2.2%

Countering Claims of Widespread Transition Regret

This 1% "regret" rate also includes a lot of people who are very happy they transitioned, and continue to live as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth, but regret that medical error or shitty luck led to low quality surgical results.
This is a risk in any reconstructive surgery, and a success rate of about 99% is astonishingly good for any medical treatment. And "regret" rates have been going down for decades, as surgical methods improve.

Countering Claims that Puberty Blockers are Harmful

There is extensive research about long term use of puberty blockers, and they have overwhelmingly been shown to be very gentle and safe.
This treatment isn't just used for trans youth - it has been the standard treatment for kids with precocious puberty for decades. Most kids with precocious puberty don't have any underlying medical condition, their early development is just an extreme variation of normal development, but it would still cause serious psychological damage to start puberty at the age of, say, 6. This treatment has no long term side effects; it just puts puberty on hold. Stop treatment, and puberty picks up where it left off.

Countering Claims that Trans People Didn't Historically Exist

And while until recently there has been no place in modern US/European culture for people with gender identities and lives atypical to their sex at birth to exist publicly, that isn't true in other times and cultures. Throughout the middle east and Asia there have been Hijra visible in public life for hundreds or even thousands of years. The same is true of Kathoey in Thailand, Muxe in Zapotec culture in Mexico, various two-spirit identities found in indigenous American cultures, Māhū in traditional Hawaiian/Tahitian/Maohi cultures, the Fa'afafine of Samoa, Tongan Fakaleiti, the Sworn Virgins of the Balkans, the Galli of Ancient Rome, etc.
And of course, humans are not the only animals. While we can't interview animals, and gender identity is harder to identify visually in animals than something like same-gender sexual activity is, we sure as hell have observed a lot of animals displaying instinctive behavior typically associated with the other sex. And there very certainly is evidenceof congenital, neurologically based sexually specific behavior in animals.

Condemnations of "Conversion Therapy"

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You Know You're Dating a Danish Woman When... - YouTube Dating in the Netherlands vs North America - YouTube Dating the Dutch! All the Dutch you need for dating in the ... What Not to do on a Date I Amsterdam - YouTube BEFORE YOU START DATING DUTCH MEN - YouTube TYPICAL DUTCH GIRLS / WOMEN (in case of relationships ... How to Date a Dutch Woman a Survival Guide

Dutch girls for friendship - Make women friends in Netherlands

  1. You Know You're Dating a Danish Woman When... - YouTube
  2. Dating in the Netherlands vs North America - YouTube
  3. Dating the Dutch! All the Dutch you need for dating in the ...
  4. What Not to do on a Date I Amsterdam - YouTube
  5. BEFORE YOU START DATING DUTCH MEN - YouTube
  6. TYPICAL DUTCH GIRLS / WOMEN (in case of relationships ...
  7. How to Date a Dutch Woman a Survival Guide

From the blunt attitude to the equality, Lucy and I chat about the differences between style, approach and of course dating in the Netherlands vs North Ameri... Do you need to get your game on in the Netherlands, but can't speak Dutch? Then have no fear, because DutchReview is the wingman you've been looking for! In ... From the hygge, to the PDA.. This is what it's like to date that Danish woman. Behind the scenes, dating tips and Google Hangouts HERE: https://bit.ly/2PG9h0... Dating Dutch women requires a set of skills and behaviors for success. Think of Homer’s odyssey (not Simpson), Dr Richard Kimble’s quest to find the one armed man in the Fugitive, or ... While some people think we're rude or shallow.. If you get to know the dutch, you'll understand it has all a very practical meaning.Man has tried to date the... Subscribe to ♥ The Netherlands: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeQhi4rNnt3WkW54JfKn_7w Our website: http://entr.ru Hallo ik ben Vera Shtukensia, ik ben Nik... It is no surprise that the Dutch say things the way they are... very bluntly.. and in this video they do just that about their dating preferences. This is an...