Dating ex relationshi

Casual Dating . What is it: Casual dating is the first stage of any relationship. It is characterized by people just dating for fun without any expectation of commitment or exclusivity. It’s a “getting to know you” phase where we’re not likely to invest much in the relationship or worry about how we feel about the relationship as a whole. Dating your ex again isn’t the same as dating someone new. You have a romantic history together and that changes the whole dynamics of approaching, asking for a date and entering into a relationship. One of the hardest things to do is figuring out which behaviours are proper and which are potentially damaging. With the first ex, I still relied on him for emotional support the way I did when we were dating, and seeing him with someone else made me wonder if we could still have as close a relationship. If you're dating your ex-husband after divorce, use the aforementioned strategies to increase the probability of a successful family reunion. Hopefully, you will go through this major transformation and build a fulfilling relationship full of love and care! Dating An Ex-Con: 3 Questions To Ask First. Married, single or somewhere in the middle, people break laws every day. ... And getting into a relationship with an ex-convict can seem like a big red flag. It isn't always, though. There are three major questions to ask before letting a guy go from one ball and chain to another kind entirely. You need to keep a few things in mind while dating an ex to have a good relationship. 1. Get clarity – get sorted. The first and most important thing to remember is to get it all sorted in your mind. So, once you are clear about what you want, you may want to talk to your ex too. It sure is very different when you do it the second time around. Assess the state of your relationship. You need to make sure your relationship is in the right place before you go from dating to a committed relationship. You need to decide if the two of you are ready to go to this next step. There are some criteria that you can look at to see if you are ready for the next step. Questions you can ask yourself ... [Read: 19 clear signs the two of you are ready for a serious relationship] Differentiating the dating vs. relationship status can be a little messy, depending on the situation. Sometimes, nothing serious is spoken, but serious actions are undertaken. Other times, the right words are there, but the feelings aren’t. The more serious the status of the current relationship (e.g., married or nearly engaged vs. dating), the less likely participants were to have contact with an ex. Cheating Computer Dating Services Dating Over Sixty Dating Relationships Secret Relationships Winning Back Your Ex Most Views Posts Ashley Madison: Costs, Experiences, and Functions

How to end M(23) me F(23) nice girl, but too much baggage.

2020.07.01 17:11 WOWWWEEEEE How to end M(23) me F(23) nice girl, but too much baggage.

We have been talking for about a month as beforehand information. Theres this girl i went on a few dates with, shes very sexual but i was distant. pulling away from her because i wasnt into her like that yet. We had sex before the 3rd date. After then she started talking like we had a deeply seated relationship to her friends, and I don't want that with her. Because well, after she slept with me she dumped all her baggage on me at once. As I thought fuck. Thats why i was waiting to have sex with you. Because I wanted to hear it all before hand, but it wasnt necessarily pressured, she was just insistent on sleeping together. Any way, shes kinda cool but has too much baggage for me to feel happy in a relationshi. then after a double date, which was the third date she went on about her ex for about 30 mins, and how she got "fat" and seemingly lost all self confidence. Thats not where she stopped sadly, she went through an old town she hung out in in highschool and started talking more about her ex, to top it all off she shared with me her severe anxiety and depression. No offense to anyone, but i got my nental health in check, and feel comfortable dating once more, and want to have something healthy, where i am not treated as a constant beam of support. I aso want someone without crippling anxiety & depressionand with her i feel like i will be. It was a conversation she needed to have, but after the deep look into her mind and her, i feel no attraction. What do i do?
submitted by WOWWWEEEEE to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.05.21 17:27 Zsexdrcf They made me feel like something is worng with me and I can't seem to manage to feel comfortable with my sexuality again.

Hi guys. TL,DR at the bottom. Sorry for the long text.
Been lurking for a while in this sub but it's the first time I'm posting.
I want to start by saying that I love this community and come here often. I love your stories and I think we have built a very loving and beautiful community.
I come from a very conservative country and a very religious family, I was never told that being queer was wrong or bad but I would always hear the comments like "they are disgusting" or "it must be a disease". Not only my family but my friends (a generation you would expect to be more open minded) would comment stuff like "being gay is okay, but I would not like having a gay son" "Being bisexual is just being greedy" "being bisexual doesn't exist" and so on.
I realized I was not straight when I was around 16 or 17 (currently 24). And surpisngly I came to good terms with it pretty quickly; it just felt natural, I never labeled it but I could just find anyone attractive and fall in love with whoever despite their gender. I was actually happy and proud of myself. Also I never felt the urge of telling anyone because my sexual orientation is just a small part of my identity, nothing had change, I was honest if asked about it (which rarely happened since all of my realization happened while I was in a long-term relationship with a girl) but I never brought up the topic.
Now, I know a lot of queer people who grew in a similar enviroment as I did. And most of these people have some kind of issue accepting who they are (which I don't judge, I think it is pretty understandable) and some of them even develop anxiety or depression. This is why I always considered myself lucky, not superior or smarter nor stronger, but just luckier than most of these people because for whatever reason, (which I didn't know and still don't know) it was not hard at all accepting this part of myself.
But then I started to feel this urge to tell my gf of that time, we were completely in love and I knew everything about her and she almost knew everything about me. So I came out to her as bisexual. Till today, I think this was a big mistake and one of the main reasons why we broke up.You should've seen her face, it was like if I told her I slept with her best friend. The questions started coming, questions I never asked myself nor I found relevant: "So do you like more girls than boys?" "Would you cheat on me with a boy?" And so on... I was really hurt because I thought she would be more understanding, she was the love of my life and reacted very differently from what I expected. She was very open minded and we had discussed about LGBTQ topics and she seemed fine with it, her best friend was a guy gay...
This is where my fear of my identity started feeling threatened and I felt scared.
Fast forward 2 years (today) and for some other reasons we are not together anymore after 6 beautiful years. I start experimenting and exploring my sexuality. Long story short I got a real nice new boyfriend, (my first homosexual relationship) we just lasted 2 months and even if he didn't understand the bisexual thing completely he was very respectful and supportive.
I'm not gonna be very detailed about the how it happened because I don't want the post to be longer than it already is but I HAD to come out to my parents, because they put me in a very complicated situation. I didn't expect the best reaction because I'm not dumb and I know their opinion on the topic. But this was worse than any expectation. My mom started yelling she couldn't understand what she did wrong. My dad started crying (I've only seen him crying once in my 24 years of age and that was when my grandma died). My dad said faggot multiple times and I felt like I was not allowed to even explain myself or try to make them understand.
It tried to get to make my parents understand that it was natural and that I've always known and that there is nothing wrong about it. But they wouldn't take it. It was only after my boyfriend broke up with me that my parents started to be okay with me again.
Now here comes the important part. I feel like my relationship with them is alright and even with my ex, I get along with them and we talked past all the conflict. But something changed inside of me, I'm not comfortable about my sexuality anymore. Sometimes people ask me my sexual orientation and I found myself lying about it. I'm so pissed with a lot of people, specially myself, because I was one of the VERY LUCKY few to not struggle with who I am (people living in similar enviroment) and people took that away from me.
I sometimes feel like I'm sick, or that I'm just confused (the bicycle doesn't help either). I question myself if I'm ever going to be able to be in a relationship again because I doubt a lot of who I am. Core beliefs that seemed crystal clear in the past are now foggy and confusing. I can't ever have a homosexual relationshi, because my family would not stand it and most girls here would not date a bisexual guy. I dont know what I even like right now. I feel so disgusted with myself for even putting myself in this situation. Back then I knew that it was not my fault, but right now it feels that I deserve this in a way.
I talk with my therapist about this and she says it's a normal reaction, that I have to learn to live as a minority. But nothing of this feels normal. Everything used to feel normals so natural. Now everything seems foggy and confusing. I don't even know if I would label myself bi anymore. I just want to find that inner peace again and understand that it's okay to feel the way I feel.
Sorry for the long post guys! It actually helps a little to let it all out.
Has someone felt in a similar way? How can I stop doubting myself? Any videos, quotes or any other resource that you think might help me? All of this is very well appreciated.
TLDR: When I first discovered I wasn't straight (17 yo). I was very happy with myself, it all felt natural and proud of being who I was. Today (7 years later) after some series of events it just feels wrong. Like I messed up in the way, I even have thought, in flashing moments, about it as a disease (which I know it's very wrong). Everything seems so confusing and I feel very lost. I could use some nice word fellows!
submitted by Zsexdrcf to bisexual [link] [comments]

2019.10.18 01:26 Reddyboy101 I 19 [M] just found out that my NOW EX GF [19] was cheating on me with my childhood best friend [19]

We were dating for a year. About a month after we broke up I found out from her friends that she was cheating on me throughout our ENTIRE YEAR relationship with my childhood best friend of 10 YEARS.
I confronted him through the phone and he admitted to it. It hurts A LOT.
Now Im confused and angry as to why she e en dated me in the first place and how to cope with this crap.
If anyone can relate please tell me what happened.
Advise me or opinions please thanks.
TL;DR Ex GF was cheating while in a relationshi
submitted by Reddyboy101 to survivinginfidelity [link] [comments]

2019.08.06 05:20 doopsieoopsie My crush.

So I started high school last year. We have this exploratory program, where we explore different shops the school has for 3 days instead of academics, then we switch every cycle blah blah blah. Now, the first shop I got to explore was an automotive shop. That's when I met my crush, I'm gonna call him M. Now I thought M was pretty cute, and when we were going around the class telling each other what shops we wanted to be in permanently, M said that he wanted Visual Design, which was the same shop that I wanted at the time. Now visual only accepts 12 people the ENTIRE freshman class, (we had like 700-800 freshman I believe?) So immediately this guy was my rival, my competition. I needed to be better than him to get into the shop.
So, we go though automotive, and we had these teams where we had to work on cars. I was in a team separate from him, but he was in this group with someone I knew. So when that person I knew asked me for help on the truck I was joking around with him and his group, but leaning more towards M and flirting with him a bit. Later on I found a drawing on the table, a quick sketch, and I asked whos it was. M said it was his. I FREAKED out. His art style was amazing, it scared the crap out of me! Like, THIS was competition for being in visual design. I complemented him so much for it, but I was genuinely scared. This guy was cute, he had long hair which I really liked and thought was cute, and was an amazing freaking artist. He also would not stop cracking jokes which made me laugh sm and almost lost points in automotive for not focusing on our work, but eventually the 3 days were up and we went to another shop. I didn't see him in the same shop as me again.
So after 6 days, we go to switch cycles. We stop going to shops and go to academic classes. I went to my classes, and at 3rd period who do I see? M! HE HAS BIOLOGY WITH ME! and M also has a similar last name to mine, so he SITS IN FRONT OF ME BC OF THE SEATING CHART! it was such a coincidence, I kept being excited to go to biology every day that we were in academics. He would make me laugh and smile, and I thought of him as a really good friend.
One day I was walking out of dismissal and it was raining. I didn't have an umbrella so I just followed the other kids out with my hood on. While I was walking M pops out of no where and shares his umbrella with me. IT WAS STRAIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE, LIKE WTH. that's when I really started to catch feelings for him.
Around october-december of last year, I went through a tough time with my family. M seemed to be the only person to put a smile on my face everyday, I was always happy to see him. I can't thank him enough for that.
I told myself one day that I was going to ask him out to see a movie with me, because I wanted to be brave and ask him out on a date. I never did, but he randomly threw a piece of paper at me in bio one day with a number on it. I PANICKED! After bio I had gym, and told my friend Emma, who she would not stop teasing me about me getting his number. M gave me his number! I couldn't believe it.
Once I got home I texted him, and every single text would make my heart race, even the simple ones. I didn't know what to do! We talked for about a week nonstop.
One day I told him I was going to go to work, like usual. He said his goodbyes and all that. After work, I checked my phone. I got a text from M and all I read from the notification was:
M: ....I'd be down to be in a relationshi-
I turned off my phone, face red, and BOLTED out of the store. I didn't even read the rest of the text and went straight to my best friend, I'm gonna call her K. I begged her for advice, because I couldn't believe what I was reading. Was he asking me out? Eventually I read the text, and he did.
my crush asked me out.
At first, I was stunned. I got out of a relationship in 7th grade, and after our relationship was over he became toxic to me. I didn't want that to happen with M. So I told M that I was gonna think about it. I had to weigh out my options. I didn't want to be heartbroken again. I told him that I would give him an answer Monday.
Monday came along, I tried to avoid him. I ended up not seeing him because it was a shop week, so I didn't see him. But on Wednesday, I did see him. And we talked. I told him about my ex, and he understood completely. We talked for a bit, and I agreed to be his girlfriend!
That was on December 18. We've been dating for about 7 and a halfish months now. He's the best ever and makes me so happy, he's perfect and every way and it's crazy how much we relate, like sometimes its SCARY. he's the kindest, most sweetest person ever, and I'm so glad he's in my life.
I know M has Reddit and is on teenagers , so M if you're reading this, I love you sm! You're great! Tell me when u see this aha
TLDR; the boy I had a crush on asked me out and now we are dating, craaazy right
submitted by doopsieoopsie to teenagers [link] [comments]

2018.08.14 13:26 throwaway12345u12345 Should I (23/F) keep seeing or end contact with my ex (26/M) of 5 years? His dad recently just passed away.

Hi Reddit, I'm really in need of some advice and I appreciate any feedback. I'm using a throwaway for obvious reasons.
I need an outside perspective here. I've been told that “he needs me”,”he’s using me”,”his dad just died so he's not himself”, or “just do what makes me happy.” I am at a lost. This has been the toughest time in my life and I would seriously appreciate any advice.
My ex and I ended our 5 year relationship in April and his dad committed suicide in May. I love them both so much and I don't know how to get past this stage in my life. I am currently seeing a therapist and family doctor for depression for the past year (because of this and other reasons prior) but I can't go a day without crying and feeling like shit.
For some background my ex and I had a healthy, but not so normal relationship. We were in a long distance for 2 ½ years and were in an open relationship for the past 3 years. There were some jealousy issues but never any big fights and we were always extremely honest with one another. I lived with my ex and his dad before moving away to college and always stayed with them when I came home. They were/ still are my family.
I moved back home in March and around that time I was invited to go on a week-long trip to Portland with a group of friends from high school. I ended up hooking up with one of the guys on the trip. It wasn't just a sexual attraction, more emotional. I had developed feelings and it was like I was getting the attention I was lacking. This guy lives in another country, so it wasn't as if I wanted to leave my BF for him but I just felt incredibly selfish, guilty, and that I had cheated (we were still in an open relationship but I did cheat.) Why did I develop feelings in the first place? It was more emotional than anything. It made me realize I needed time to myself and maybe eventually see other people or just work on myself.
The day after I got home from the trip I broke up with my BF and told him I was moving out. I needed to get my head on straight, take therapy more seriously, and just take time for myself. He didn't take it well. He cried. Bawled for the hours I was packing up my things. It hurt so bad and I just felt so fucking terrible. I loved him so much. I still do. And I regret it now. I am so sorry for what I did.
But it was nice to take some time to myself. I moved in with my sisters and it was good for me at that time. I didn't communicate with him or his friends until the beginning of May when I went to his house to pick up some of my furniture. We ended up taking a few hours to catch up and I drank some beers with him and I watched a NBA game with him and his dad. It felt so good to be around them again like we were a family. I wish I could do that day over. I miss his dad.
2 weeks later my ex called me after he found a suicide note from his dad. Fuck, reliving that day is so hard. The cops ended up finding him in a parking lot of an elementary school. He shot himself in his car. It came out of nowhere. Seriously fucking out of nowhere. I love him so much and I still haven't grasped the fact he is gone.
I spent a week with him after his dad died. It was tough and just so emotional. My ex was very stressed since his family was being very overwhelming and given to what had happened. The family/ family friends coming over made it so hard to mourn, people who have not talked to his dad in years all of a sudden cared for him so much after ignoring him during his depression. That same afternoon these friends were asking my ex for his dad’s bank information to transfer the money he left for them in his suicide note. No one even gave us a day. I could go on and on about the shit we dealt with during this time. It sucked. I wanted to be the strong one for him since he was very emotional. I took on a lot of roles my ex didn't want to deal with, which I completely understand since he just lost the most important person in his life. He had my full support.
I didn't want to bring up anything about relationshi at all. I wasn't really thinking about it. We were loving towards each other and were having sex. It was like nothing had changed.
About a week afterwards my ex and I got into an argument during a small party he threw. He told me to leave his house so he could hook up with this girl “Sam.” Sam was a close family friend, they called each other cousins and have known each other their entire lives. She had a boyfriend that she had been dating for several years. I told him quietly it was not the right time and not appropriate for the situation at hand. I ultimately ended up leaving but was followed out by Sam calling me a whore and telling me how I “don't mean shit to this family.”
That cut deep. It was the reason why I ended up cutting all contact from him. I feel like shit for what I did to my ex, but what did he tell her? They haven't talked in years but whatever he said about me was one sided, hurtful, and was said during one of those days after his dad passed. First of all, it wasn't the appropriate time. We were all hurting. Maybe he wanted an escape about what he felt about his dad and talked about how I hurt him instead. I do but don't understand. I wasn't in his shoes. I was more upset Sam followed me out and tried to fight me over it. I caught them in the hallway, when no one was in the house, and said this wasn't appropriate and isn't okay with me, but I would leave. Then she followed me out and drew a crowd after screaming. She apologized a few days later.
But I've been thinking about it ever since. Like I hurt my ex and my ex’s dad after leaving. We were extremely close. I feel like if we had established a better home life his dad would have been happier and never have did what he did. And I know I will be told to not take blame for what happened, but I also think my actions of leaving and breaking up with my ex had an impact on his dad committing suicide. I can expand on this but it is just painful to think about at this moment and I want to focus on the relationship with my ex.
Afterward that night I still was there whenever my ex needed me for a couple of weeks. There were several nights he called me to stay the night because he didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to either, honestly.
I cut off contact with him in July, over a month after his dad being gone, because I just felt like I was being used for sex. He would always tell me to leave before his friends came over and I was rarely allowed to stay to hang out and party because he wanted to “be himself.” I was really close with his friends prior to our breakup but he didn't want to give them the wrong impression of us being back together.
I blocked his number but didn't on social media since I rarely use it. We didn't talk for 6 weeks. He messaged me on Facebook 2 weeks ago asking if I could help his cousin write his resume and apply for jobs since “I was so good at it.” I was actually glad my ex reached out (I missed him so much), I helped his cousin, and have spent almost every other night with him.
Losing his dad has been hard. It's been hard for me as well. There have been a few nights we have gotten hammered to the point we just cuddle with each other and cry about how much we miss him. I miss him so much.
We have had a lot of good dates as well. He golfs at least twice a week which I used to HATE to do with him. I have actually taken it up and played somewhat alright, but we’ve have a lot of fun together doing it recently. He always says I wished you would have played with me while we were together.
My ex and I have also spent a lot of time working through the legal part of his dad passing away. His dad did not have a will so going through probate while not having the sufficient funds to pay off his dad’s house has been really stressful. I have helped him as much as I can.
He has been adamant about not wanting to get back together. I understand, I don't think I am ready either. 2 weeks ago it went from him saying he “never wants to get back together” to today “maybe someday we will.” He has gone on dates and I have seen another guy. But still at the end of the day there is no one else I want more than my ex.
I also understand he has more on his plate than ever before. He just lost the most important, supportive person in his life and has had to face the way his dad did what he did. He is more angry now than sad. His dad, which was such an incredible fucking human being, left so much stress, problems, and debt that his son now has to deal with. I just want to be as helpful as I can.
But I still feel like I am being used. Maybe. I don't know. For the sex, emotional and other support. I am there for him on my own free will. He is emotionally unstable and wants me with him and then wants me to leave before his “dates.” Which isn’t weird since we fucked other people while dating. He tells me he's seeing girls to make him feel better about himself but I will always be his “number one.” But sometimes he backtracks and tells me he never wants to be with me again and wants to relapse (he was addicted to pills when we first started dating.) I want to be there to make sure he's okay, I want to make sure everything with his dad passing is taken care of, but I don't want to go back into the same state of depression I've been battling with. He is important but at the end of the day I have to take care of me. Is that selfish?
When I try to talk to him about whether or not we should keep seeing each other (for both of our mental health’s sake) he “doesn't want to talk about it” to ruin his mood.
We also say let's stay “friends” but isn't possible with us. There way too much of an emotional and sexual attraction.
I don't know what to do. I love him. And at the end of the day I know he still loves me. I know he's emotionally unstable. I would never know what to do if I lost a parent. His dad was everything to me and I have been a mess until I am around my ex where I am the more stable support system for him. I become the stronger one around him. Whereas with my girlfriend's I am the one being comforted. I just feel like I lost my family. My best friend and my dad. I love them so much and starting a new life has been so fucking difficult.
I think one day down the road we can be together. But I don't know how to go about things now. I don't want to overwhelm him, and I don't want to leave him because I do worry about him. But I also care about my mental health (why I have seen a therapist) and don't want to go down that lonely road of depression if he leaves me for good. I also don't want him to fall back into his old ways.
Am I thinking selfishly? Am I doing the right thing? Am I only going to hurt myself or him? How I go about this situation? Cut all ties? Or there just when he needs me?
There is much more to the story, but I tried to sum it up with needed details. I would appreciate any insight or advice on how to deal with this situation. I have been told to leave him, focus on myself, or just do what makes me happy. Which is what I HAVE been doing and still stuck in a pickle. Thank you Redditors for any advice, seriously.
TLDR: I spilt up with my boyfriend after a 5 year relationship which was an open relationship. His dad committed suicide a few weeks after our breakup. I lived with them and it was very hard on the both of us. I know he is going through much more trauma but I do not want to go through another bad stage of depression. I have tried to move past the grief. But my ex giving signs on wanting to get back together and changing his mind the next day has made it hard. Sometimes I feel used but other times I feel genuine love. I help him and he helps me. Should I cut ties or help him in another way?
submitted by throwaway12345u12345 to relationships [link] [comments]

2018.05.13 23:22 MotiMorphosys Relationship testing with a plate: A Litte rant/vent, A little emotion, A lot of lessons:

TL;DR: Got comfortable spinning ~5 or so plates, decided to emotionally invest in one (without being exclusive), caught some feelings, learned a lot, apparently got "dumped" (image that...) Overall glad I went through with the experience because I didn't loose sight of my main goal or compromise any of my boundaries, and grew throughout the experience.
Posting here because not sure if this is quality enough for the main TheRedPill page. There's no questions, but any advice is welcome, provided you read the entire thing (it's looooooong). I've given advice here and i'd consider myself well past the n00b redpill stage, but I certainly have a long way to go.
I'm almost a year into separation from the most bluepill ever 5yr marriage. Discovered TRP about almost 4 years ago and what A ride it's been. Worked my way up to ~5 plates at a time, some more active than others. I built a spreadsheet to track my progress and keep notes about what I was learning. It's amazing how some girls can text discussing only logistics, meet up at her place, deep-throat/fuck you like a porno, talk about life and shit for a half hour, watch you put your clothes on and leave saying "hope to see you again soon, i'm free x and x". And that can go on for 8+ months with not a peep of complaint from her. #TheRealMVP. But this isn't about her. This is about a journey into almost a relationship.
I can't stress this part enough:: I maintained my personal growth and plate spinning throughout this story. In fact, I dropped all plates that were HB4 or under, and added a HB7 and had flings (because of logistics) with 2 8s and an 8.5 during this time. The spreadsheet helped me track all this. I made 0 modifications to my main mission. I also have 2 strong male friends who I have deep, intimate (heterosexual) relationships with, (do NOT knock this, our culture is quick to pussify deep male friendship, when actually the "pussies" are the ones without it). and without them, I'd probably be a mess after this divorce and not able to do any of this. Male support is most important and there is no substitute for it.
SO.... I went on a tinder date with a HB6 at best last December. This was about average for the plates that I was spinning at the time. Lack of attraction and a distance factor (more on that later) made my initial intention to next. however, we began discussing occupations and her history, and I noticed something different about her than the other dates, mainly that she was open about many struggles she overcame, and that her job was counseling others through similar situations. In short, she had already found and was living her life passion/purpose. This was attractive on an intellectual level, so with piqued interest, I explained with no exceptions I was looking to meet and get to know people ONLY, not jumping into an LTR* (I always do this before I get naked with a girl, and it's only affected things on*ce), and scheduled a 2nd more formal date. Trust me, some of the struggles she mentioned are immediate DQs for an LTR, but I had no intention of LTR with anyone, I had nothing to loose but a little of my time and money by getting to know her better, so I figured "why not?"
I don't regret my decision.
Because of the distance and my motives, we hung out about every other weekend, usually overnight, and obviously did more than just sex. All expenses were split 50:50, and I didn't allow any pictures of us together to be taken. Despite her being a self-identified feminist with some TwoXChromosomes values, Her energy and attitude were refreshing. At first, I controlled/withheld my emotions, using redpill tactics to keep her tingling. This worked to an extent, but came to a point when canceling plans last minute and doubling down with an IDGAFTM attitude was highly in-congruent with the person she came to know. This caused her to feel rejected and confused enough to screech the hamster wheel to a halt and threaten to end things. On one hand, the fact that a girl who showed this much self respect and #FEMINISM principals on the outside to all her friends would even think about being in an open relationship made me feel like I was doing pretty damn good, but everyone has a breaking point.
So in the name of experimentation, I decided to see what would happen if
  1. I apologized for my insensitivity and cancelling last minute
  2. I removed my redpill filter with her and shared thoughts and emotions as if we were in a LTR (ex. how was your day?, Being emotionally present while she vented about life things within reason)
  3. I reiterated as a non-negotiable that we were not exclusive and I had no intentions of making her exclusive. I wouldn't ignore her, but "I have plans" or "I'm busy" were not to be questioned/challenged.
Part 3
I explained each of these 3 points to her in full detail and to my astonishment, she took the offer and shared deeper things about herself with me. I attended Easter with her family and she showed me off to her friends, bringing me to a work dinner party and having me tag along to extracurricular activities she was involved in. I allowed for her to post Facebook pictures of us as long as I wasn't tagged (we had 0 mutual friends). Because of the distance, for all intents and purposes I was (to her), her boyfriend (when we were in her town). I periodically checked to make sure she was OK with this, reminding her that exclusivity wasn't on the table, and round and round the hamster wheel spun.
..Until last week when it stopped. She mentioned she was having second thoughts about us and stopped snap-chatting me. Due to our busy schedules, we didn't talk on the phone until this morning. I knew she was at least wanting me to think her intentions were ending things, so I moved my gym time to after the call and reminded myself of my main goals. My plan was simple. If she doesn't want to see me anymore, that's not a change for me other than I no longer initiate conversation with her or make plans with her. Sure enough, she began by stating I was being "insensitive" and "disrespectful" to her and waiting for my reaction, seeing if I would try to save things (surprisingly citing BS things I did the last time we were together rather than the glaring fact that i'm fucking other girls, so I guess the hamster wheel was still moving to a certain extent). I could tell she was surprised at how freely I respected her decision, so maybe there will be an update here, but my plan is to hard next if she hamsters a reason why she wants to continue things. I've learned enough from this, and although there is more to learn with this kind of relationship, It should be with someone else more interesting than her. My mission is growth.
Still, because there were feelings (albeit certainly no "oneitis" feelings), there was pain. Most of the pain revolves around the fact that I DO intend on having a family someday, and I thought this "psuedo-relationship" would be easier than a real one and that someone with much more principals and values than most girls decided I wasn't LTR material even when I invested and gave effort.
My gym time was productive and I had a good conversation with a male friend about the whole thing. Then I decided to make some improvements:
  1. I bought some chicken breast and looked up a recipe online, and then cooked it. That's new for me. I've been eating shit the past 9 months and although it hasn't taken any toll on my physical appearance due to an active lifestyle and lifting, I'm guessing it's affected me mentally and emotionally. That needs to change. I'm starting today.
  2. I set a schedule to get at least 8 hours of sleep on weeknights. No more late nite redditing/youtube mental masturbation.
I need to take better care of myself in those areas.
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2018.01.27 02:17 EmbarrassedInsurance My [28M] irrational, insane, bigoted parents are repeating past behaviour with my one month relationship [24F]

I'm in complete disbelief at the moment and just looking for any advice. My counsellor is enjoying Hawaii for the next month and don’t think I can get through this situation on my own without some advice for the next few weeks
I just started dating this Lebanese/ Italian woman [24F] for almost a month now. I'm half Serbian and half Pilipino [28M].
I told my Pilipino mum a couple days ago about this girl and she seemed to take it in all fine and said as long as she treats you well and loves you then that’s all that matters.
Next day my mum calls me up with my dad on the phone and they sound panicked. They go on about how the Lebanese are all dodgy and their culture is terrible and they will take and take and just want to harm me. They would not listen to reason and I have this memory of my mum screaming "it’s the culture! It’s a bad culture!". I met her family btw and they were the most lovely and giving family I've met in a long time. Very catholic and so respectful.
Then yesterday I had lunch with my mum and broke down and started crying and said stuff like this lebenese family will swallow me up, that they are terrible people, accused me of loving her more than I love my family (its been a month of dating and I kept saying this - I dont love her yet... Also FYI I've had 5 long term relationships that my parents have met - each of which they found a problem with), that my lebanese inlaws will always intrude and show up at my door, that they just want "our" money and they will take every dollar I have (I'm 28 with a ton of student debt, her family house was a beautiful mansion… fairly sure her family is worth more than mine lol). She then tops it off by martyring herself saying she just wants me to be happy, that everything shes done in her life is for me, and she doesn’t care if I put her in a nursing home one day - she just wants to see me happy. I've yet to speak to my dad but he's apparently desperate for me to come over so he can have his rant and stop me from making the worst decision of my life.
Now some past experience for context - I dated an Indian girl 5 years back and my parents refused to meet her. My dad refused to see her and it took 6 months for her to finally meet them even though they are 20 minutes away. But then over the next 2 years of that relationship my mum and dad would always tease me about have indian kids, say stuff like hope you like curry, and bluntly say stuff like "shes an amazing person, but if only she wasn’t so dark". When we broke up my parent were conflicted, but said its good but the only thing they didn’t like was her dark skin. I recently spoke to my ex and she said of course she could see how they felt. But she loved me so much she was willing to tolerate it and went and visited them for me. She hated being called an indian to her face, or my dad bring up negative article about india, or my mum falling her fat. As my mum put it thought, she was just trying to encourage my ex to be healthy…
Another long term realtionship had a brother who has mentally handicapped. So my parents disapproved because of that and said stuff along the line of you'll have retard kids if you end up with her. Another was from the US and they disliked her because they thought she was going to move me back there. Another was white and they kept alluding to the fact that she didnt have good values because she had past boyfriends. Another was very wealthy and they found issue with that.
Now based on my past experience with my indian ex, my parents will calm down and they will eventually be polite enough so that I can see how this new relationship goes. But I just think its unacceptable for them to have these views and I would expect any of my partners to eventually see through the façade just like my indian ex did, and for my parent to be cut out of her and my children's lives - which I would completely understand!. But that’s not what I want. My parents are good people at heart, they care so deeply for me, and they really would do anything for me. But they don’t respect me, they will bring up the past every day about a mistake I made, or something I said. They don’t take on alterative ideas or opinions, and they have zero friends.
The current relationship may go nowhere, but I have only just realised the severity of this problem. What do I do? Is there a service or someone who can mediate or speak to my parents? Because I don’t feel like they have enough respect for me to ever listen, or ever change their views. Can they change their views? I feel sorry for them more than anything because they're views have resulted in them being isolated and paranoid. And one day I know my future wife will cut them off because of how toxic they are.
Tldr: Started dating a lebanese/ italian woman, my serbian father and Pilipino mum have acted in a completely irrational and confusing way. They don’t respect me/ have the critical thinking skills to actually have a discussion or even to explain their views. This current relationship may not go anywhere, but I've only become aware of the extent of this issue now... And I'm starting to undertsand that they've underminded every relationshi I've ever had.
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2016.06.16 14:06 1_TA_1 My (24/f) Boyfriend's (24/m) family's realationship with his ex girlfriend seems inappropriate.

Ive known my boyfriend for 9 years (we've currently been dating for 1 1/2 years and dated for a few months in our teenage years) and I'm pretty close to his family and I get along with them great. He and his ex (25/f) were together for 3 years and were engaged at one point. His family is also very fond of her.
The issue is though, how close they are with her even though they've been broken up for 2 years. His parents still have their engagement photo hanging up in their house, she's constantly mentioned in just about every conversation my boyfriend and I have with them. When there are family events (birthdays, showers anniversaries, etc), they'll often include her over me if there's a limited number of people attending, and recently at a wedding, they added her as my boyfriend's +1 instead of me.
These things would bother me anyway, but the fact that she's told many lies and spread rumors about me and my boyfriend and our relationship adds insult to injury. She has told my boyfriends little sisters (15 & 16) that I was the "other woman" in their relationshiP to get them to dislike me and favor her and she's told his family that I tried to sabotage their relationship and step in the middle of it because I was jealous and none of those things happened and we let his family know that and they seemed sympathetic toward the situation and said that they understood, yet they still insist on bringing her around and pretending like she never did any of that stuff and just label it as a "misunderstanding" which really bothers me being that she purposely tried to ruin my reputation yet is still viewed as the little angel.
What really confuses me though is that to my face, his family acts like everything is good between us. His mom calls me up and we chat about any and everything and when they do family dinner on Sundays, I'm always invited and asked to help in the kitchen with my boyfriends aunts and grandmother and mom and again they act like every thing is totally fine between us, then they go and pull things like I mentioned above.
I've told my boyfriend how uncomfortable this makes me and he's told me that I'm just overreacting and that it's nothing personal (it feels personal) and he's said that he's spoken to his family about it but nothing has changed.
My question is am I looking too far and too deep into this and letting jealousy get to me or is this a legitimate concern and what can I do about it?
tl;dr: My boyfriends family acts inappropriately with his ex (in my eyes) and I need to know if I'm just being illogical and jealous or if I have a reason to be legitimately concerned and what what can I do about it?
submitted by 1_TA_1 to relationships [link] [comments]

2015.08.25 21:42 eachofthetwo Me [18F] with my exboyfriend [17 M] of 2 years wants a polygamous relationship

To start, I have some knowledge on polygamous relationships, basic dynamics between a group or a couple with their lovers, I don't believe this is polygamy/polyamoury, Im not sure what it is. I was deeply inlove with my ex, but he wanted out, no trying, no second chances, though Id given him many, I was resentful and heartbroken, yes, but desperate to win him back, we ended up in a FWB relationship-sleeping only with eachother, he didnt want to be in a relationship, but one day told me about a fight he'd had with a childhood friend who he'd asked on a date-I realized how low I was and went no contact, there were many other things he'd said and did that made me feel like he was cruel, heartless and generally using my emotjonal state, he has apologized for the person he was. Now, we've been apart 6 months or so.
So, he's come back into my life, first claiming he still has feelings for me, then that he loves me, hopes someday ill be with him, and that hes not in a relationship because Im not willing to be with him, he hadnt slept with anyone else, and was jealous I had been dating. I entertained the idea, then admitted Id be ok with trying again, I suppose he had a change of heart, as he said he didn't want a relationshi, said hhe'd been asked on a date, and would go for fun, he liked what we had now, and wanted the freedom to date others. He wants a 'polygamous' relationship-he wants to date me, and others, he doesnt want to fall inlove with them, and he doesnt want a relationship with any of us, so far, it seems like sex will be kept between us. Ive never heard of this, Im not even sure what his angle is, but Im hurt. Noone in the 'group' so to say will like eachother-just me or him (im allowed to date tp) I believe that leans more torwards an open relationship- but only emotionally? Supposedly, he's scared to commit, scared of jealousy, but I have tried poly and know there have to be boundaries, there are none here, its set to.start the issues he claims to hate. I left because he never wanted to try, and Im beginning to feel like he manipulated me into this, and even if he claims i dont listen to him, he clearly never wanted to listen or try or even value anything ive ever wanted, atleast, not for a long time. I love him, I do, and Ive suffered for him, but what is his angle? What do I do? TL;DR: my ex wants a dysfunctional polygamous relationship
tl;dr: Mandatory summary/question!
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2015.08.09 17:58 ohwhatstha {Need Advice} My boyfriend has two close female friends and I feel like number three

I should start by saying that he is a great guy, kind, respectful, well-read and intelligent, but disorganized and somewhat self-conscious. Both of these women are people he has been in romantic relationships with, one of whom is his ex from a 5-year relationship, they lived together, etc. Let's call her Sarah. The other is someone he has known for a long time, they used to live together as housemates and he had a serious thing for her 'until he met me.' Let's call her Anne. They both constantly text him, are on his facebook wall, etc, and want to hang out. Sarah shows up at his house looking for him. It is not my impression that he is romantically interested in them anymore, but it feels to me like he prioritizes his time when it comes to them and I am left hanging out to dry. Last year, for example, Sarah planned his birthday get-together and texted me, inviting me to come "he would love to have you there." We were dating at the time. I would have loved to have a special evening with him but that was not an option. We have had very different work schedules for the last year or so, so when I know I will have free time I am super excited and want to hang out with him. When I ask what he's doing later and if he wants to hang out, sometimes I get "I don't know yet, Anne wants to do so-and-so and I haven't heard back from her yet." I don't have a problem with him having female friends, but I feel like as a partner in a romantic relationship, I should have hang-out priority. . Or at least feel like he's considered how this makes me feel. It seems like the time I spend with him is usually one or both of us exhausted because it's late and he's mismanaged his time. Yesterday I finally had an afternoon and evening free after working working all week and was excited to hang out, so I went over to his house. He told me soon after I got there that he wanted to go for a long run that night (which is awesome) and to do some things at his house after that. I was looking forward to hanging out with him and asked him to get in touch once he was heading back and I would come over. A few hours later I see that I had missed a call from him (it had literally been 3 minutes ago) and call him back. It went something like this. "Hey! Are you done?" "No, still running. Are you hungry?" (I had JUST made a sandwich and sat down to eat it and told him so.) "Oh, man, I wanted to see if you wanted to come to RESTARAUNT." "Why- are you doing to RESTARAUNT?" "Yeah, I'm meeting Anne there."
He said that he had tried calling me to see if I wanted to go out, and when I didn't answer he had called Anne and she wanted to go. If he had told me that he wanted to go out to eat, I would have waited to meet him instead of eating alone.
Am I overreacting here? I feel like this is really testing my limits of relationshi-dom. I am almost to the point of telling him that if he wants to treat me like another one of his friends, then we can try just being friends. When I have tried to bring this up in the past, he gets very sad and says that he doesn't understand how I can't see that our relationship is SO different than how he feels about Sarah and Anne. Thoughts?
Thanks for reading my wall of text. It feels good just to have written it out.
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2015.07.05 04:38 tossitasapok Me [28F] with my boyfriend 29F] 1 year LDR, communication issues , he makes no effort

Background (This is important) So for three years, I had this amazing ex. We were the same age but he was far ahead of me in school. He's almost done with his PHD and I'm still in undergrad, I did however get certified adn go to school to become a certified massage therapist and personal trainer. (This is all background) We were great together, but I was still struggling wtih many personal demonds, including addiction, so I had to let him go. We're still good friendsd. There is no cheating going on.
So... to the real problem. My ex and I broke up a year ago. Everyone says we're the couple that is "meant to be." I've fallen in love with someone else. I'd like to keep it hat way. But he has jealousy issues with my ex. No mater how much I reassure him. And he seems to expect me to still get soem emotional support from my ex instead of him, my current partner. He also can't understand that we have a connection that is both oen of friendship ans as colleagues as we are both STEM.
But he doesn't always treat me right. In the beginning I was always sweet and attention and never snappy, but he did a few things that ate away at me. If I mentioned somethign I was insecure about? He would be sure to bring it up 20 minutes later, a day later. I mention I feel insecure going into my late twenties? "Oh you're by far the oldest girl I've dated." I mention I'm insecure that my butt (althought perky :p) could be bigger? Not five minutes later he links to a video of a white girl with a "ghetto booty" and asks me how that's possible because "I'm a personal trainer and should know." (also he admitted to doing these things. He was afraid that if I felt too good about myself I'd leave him)
There's also a great dispairty between our intelligence. I usually date men that are far more intelligent than I am, but it is the opposite in this case. I don't rub it in his face, I try hard not to. I try to get him interested in things I love learning about or teaching him just like I volunteer to go with him to car meets or whatever. But whenever we get into a discussion or a debate and I make a valid point and he gets frustrated he resorts to "oh because you're always right and you can never be wrong." or "yeah because I'm too dumb to understand, right?" I will usually tell him no sweetie, that's not what I mean at all... I'm just used to debating and pointing out when there's a flaw in someone's logic. I also have no problem with being proven wrong at all, it
helps me grow. Another thing, he uses my mental illness against me. He knows I'm bipolar with severe anxiety and says I tend to over think and that because of those things my thoughts are irrelevant.
He can also be sweet. When I was in the hospital, he came and up and visited me everyday during the weekend. First guy to buy me roses. He's very generous. He's just so reserved, I've had to beg him for affection before and when I give suggestions to what to say he says "well that just takes the meaning away..." but then it kills me because he just wont talk to me at all.
I should also mention I was help captive and raped for six hours a few weeks ago and at one point I begged him to just comfort me or tell me he love dme or that I wasn't dirty or anything and he simply became frustrated beccause he didn't know how to respond.
Am i in an emotionally abusive relationshi?
tl;dr: Mandatory summary/question!
tl;dr: Confused by the dynamics betwen me and my boyfriend He can be affectionate through actions like buying me flowers but when I ask for comforot or suport emoitionalyy
submitted by tossitasapok to relationships [link] [comments]

2014.09.25 13:43 MReyesG MAJOR MAJOR ISSUE

Dear anyone, ive got a major issue here... im sorry if this is long, but i seriously need help. PLEASE hear me out and bear with me.
Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a month now, im 18 and shes 19. Im graduating this year, she already graduated. I truly truly love her. Shes my second serious girlfriend, and im constantly in love with her. THe problem is, we have had issues since the beginning, and ive always thought that we have been solving the issues, but some just keep turning up. Let me elaborate.
Weve known each other since 15-16 yrs old, and i always thought of her as a funny, cute, awesome and generally cool girl. She is unique, and gorgeous. SHe loves candy, and she is short and hot and the cutest girl ive ever seen ever. She likes Zelda videogames, converse shoes, candy, she laughs about very simple things, and is really passionate/obsessed about animals (whick is also cute). She wants to be a zoologist or a vet. SHe has had some very important issues in life though.. her dad cheated on her mom regularily and bailed when she was born. She went into care with her grandparents because her mother is a jobless failure who plays farmville all day in pijamas. Her grandfather has diabetes and recently stopped working, and her grandma is showing signs of getting really old. SHe cannot remember things, she doesnt pay attention, makes the same mistakes over and over... idk.
The house they live in has 2 buildings, one is some offices they rent to another guy, and they live in the main house. 7 years ago, her grandma´s dad died without leaving a will, and the grandma´s brother decided all properties belonged to him now, and that he would claim the ranch, and the grandma's home, where he started charging rent. THats right, he literally said "The house where you live is mine now, so you have to pay me rent, sis." So the whole thing went downhill from there. The grandma sued her brother, and just recently after 6 years it has been decided that the house would be sold to the government sometime in the future and that they would move out to an apartment or something. THe issue with all this is that since the lawsuit, her grandparents and mom have lost a lot of money, and she literally couldnt pay for school sometimes. Some years ago, the grandma came into agreement with the guy of the offices on their property. Instead of paying rent, he would pay for my girlfriend's school. After a long time, the grandma began to trust him completely. Big mistake, since there have been problems because he started taking over the house as his own. He began to see what things of my girlfriends house should be in the trash, and he started "taking care" of the car which convniently had a new problem every month, etc. That is her family situatuion. Her mom is absent all the time, her grandma doesnt understand what goes on half of the time, and she has to take care 15 pets.
This is just so you understand that she has major trust and insecurity issues.
She doesnt have a lot of friends because its hard for her to open up and really put herself in other peoples hands. She had one best girl friend whom she has known since they were babies, but since the lawsuit, they grew apart because they are different and her friend couldnt handle my girlfriend's sadness and bad days. A lot of people dont know how to react or what to do when she cries because she cries a lot. After a while, she goes back to normal, but she doesnt have many friends and didnt get along well wth her whole generation.
Relationship-wise, she had a long distance year and a half-long relationship with this guy who came to visit once a month. He truly loved her, but apart from their lack of communication and his lack of presesnce, he didnt want to be with a girl who cried and was sad all the time. My girlfriend has emotional problems, and its hard for her to deal with things that make her sad, insecure, etc. She cries and feels that things are unfair when problems arise and accumulate (and as youve probably noticed, she has a lot of them). Anyways, she began dating another guy she met working at the zoo, and she broke up with her old boyfriend.
This new guy was an uneducated cheating bastard. He swore he loved her, but he cheated on her twice (maybe more) he basically forced her to have sex with him many times, and he was a general asshole, who could also be nice and cute and could act like the perfect guy. She was with him for some of those reasons, but in my opinion, its a terrible idea to get along with him because of how he is. A lack of education and values was clearly noticeable in this guy. My girlfriend can be a very cheerful or very sad person sometimes, but at this time, she was also a trusting person, who turned into a cold, careless and (in her words) "empty" girl. Anyways, she broke up with him in the summer, and i asked her out about a month later. Of course i had no idea of her present situation, her emotional personality, and her past.
In my case, ive not always been a social guy. WHen i was a kid i had few friends, and struggled with insecurities, but with therapy and help from my parents (even though they divorced) i was able to change and grow and mature a bit and learn how to have fun and be assertive and more secure. Going into my teen years, i noticed that i got along more with the nice guys and girls, the geeks and nerds, and clowns. I play videogames, read a lot, and am generally a smart, fun, simple guy. I dont think i have a lot of style, or that im one of the more handsome guys in the generation, but i think ive been able to deal with my own stuff and be myself. Time passed and i began getting along with everyone, allthough i generally stick around more with the nice geeky people and the cool clowns. Regarding girls, i didnt have a lot of experience. I had one or two non serious girlfriends before, but I really knew nothing. I was (and still am, but only with my girlfriend) kind of flirty and close with girls, but i wasnt really wone of the cool, popular hot guys, so nothing really big or important happened. I had my first kiss at 14 lol. I liked girls a lot, and really wanted to be popular with them, and i also wanted guy friends since i missed out on that brotherhood-like thing before. Anyways, to get to the point: before ive had personal problems, but ive slowly been able to get over them.
My first real girlfriend was about 2 years ago. She was a really hot girl who was new in school. She wasnt really smart, and she had a past of being cheated on, but she was a nice, cool girl. SHe was irritating and bitchy at times, but it didnt matter. We didnt have a lot in common, but i guess i didnt care. Im good at adapting to situations, and i can shamefully say that im a good actor and i can be whoever i want to be. So i wanted to date this girl because she liked the same bands as me, she was really hot, and because i could. I was kind of a jerk at that time. I really didnt plan a lot of things, but anyways. She was my first time, allthough i wasnt hers. I wasnt a cheesy guy, and i didnt give her a lot of cute kisses nor did we hold hands a lot, but i still liked her. I noticed after sime time that she liked me way more than i liked her, and that she was beginning to say "I love you", but i couldnt say it back because i didnt really feel it. Anyways, we didnt see each other much out of school, since she live very very far away. Nontheless, christmas came, and i wanted to take things normally, slowly, and cool. I visited her house, and on the way my dad told me that we were going on a cruise for a week, so i told her when i saw her.
For christmas i had bought her the new cd of her favourite band, but she had bought me a perfume and written a 3 page long card saying how much she loved me and how i was hers. At that moment, i realized that this relationshi wasnt for me, and while I told her not to worry about the cruise, i wasnt strong enough to break up at the time. Days passed, and the day before the cruise came, and i decided that i didnt feel the same way for her, so I was an idiot and a jerk. I cheated on her. This is the worst thing ive ever done. When i returned from the cruise, I felt like shit and decided that she deserved to know, and that i should end the relationship.
School resumed and i said i anted to talk to her. I couldnt bring myself to say that i cheated, i only said that i didnt feel the same way for her, and that the relationship should end. Again, my worst mistake. She failed all classes because she stopped going to school.
So she left school and had to repeat the year in another school because we broke up. SHe also had major probelms at home.
The thing is, after this i realized what i had done, and i entered a time of depression and self loathing. A lot of time passed. My grades lowered and i didnt care about anything anymore. After months, my parents forced me to go to therapy again, and the therapist (who has known me for some time) told me that it might be a good idea to get some stability in my life, and get a real girlfriend, because family and friends couldnt do anything. I had lost my personal drive. He said that i should find someone who made me feel ok, and someone who could be a cool partner, someone who would make me happy and whom i could have fun with.
So after summer that year, i decided that i wanted to check out this cool, cute, hot girl who i had known for years. At that point, I had changed a lot from last year, and when we started dating, i had decided that i would be the best person and boyfriend that i could. This girl is my girlfriend.
So now that youve got our past and kind of know who and how we are, im going to tell you about our relationship. She was getting out of that "empty" period of a cheating relationship, and i was getting out of depression and a bad past relationship, so we both were looking foreward to something nice. At the beginning, as most guys are, i planned a few cool things for our dates, and we began to get to know each other. I tried really hard to be cool, but still was myself. She began talking about her past relationships when the topic arised, and i talked about mine. She said that her ex boyfriend was the guy whom she had a long distance relationship with, and that he MADE her dry all the time. She didnt talk about her second boyfriend (the cheater) untill after i told her about my ex. At first, for some months, it seemed like there would be no problem and that we would be able to put our pasts aside after learning from them.
To get what began happening, you must know that as i said, my girlfriend can be a very cheerful or very sad person sometimes, but she didnt manifest her sadness with me for a loooong time. For like 3 or 4 months I only saw her as the most cheerful and funny girl i had ever known.
Anyways, she is gorgeous, and funny, and cool, and she laughs at my jokes, and has the cutest smile and eyes, i love every inch of her, inside and out. SHe loves cats, and has 8. She used to see me in the hallway and yell out my name and run to me and jump and hug me in the air. As a tall guy, i must say that this made my day, everyday. She is super cute. Because of this, its also really easy to feel guilty around her. Most of our time, were happy, and we joke and smile and laugh and joke and kiss and hold hands. SInce we dont usually have money to go out, and i dont have a car, we took advantage of the fact that we live close by, and she comes to my place. She prefers my place because her house is a mess, with all the animals and people in it. SO we come home and watch movies, and talk, and cuddle, and have sex (which is awesome) and later I take her home at night. Either we do that, or we go out for walks. When we do have money, we go to the cinema, or to eat, or sometimes to parties.
Im a flirty guy, and so i love the attention that she gives me in that sense. SHe is cute and cheesy, but shes also wild and kinda crazy. I also love that about her. But im a guy who changes and adapts a lot, and i must say that before we started having major issues in our relationship, i was a very emotionally intelligent guy. I think the issue with everything is that were quite different in many senses. I like having a lot of friends, and i have a lot of ambitions in life. I wana be everywhere and do everything. I wanted to graduate and go study advertising to NY, and have a lot of friends and girlfriends. Now, im not sure what is going on, and what i want more. Ill get to that point soon.
So i love her, and when im with her, and she is ok and happy, its like everything is ok with me. I feel happy when shes happy and when i can make her happy. I guess ive made many mistakes with her because i tend to try to help her with her own stuff, and i get unhappy when shes unhappy, so i do my best to make her happy. I never really learnt to say no to her.
Little by little, i began changing into who she wanted me to be, and i was ok with it. I didnt use to write her letters on paper for any special event, but i began to do so because she got sad that she wrote me a letter for our 5 month anniversary, and i didnt. I liked to give her stuff. I used to buy her her favourite chocolate everytime i could, i bought her a Zleda book and i bought her flowers sometimes. I also did meaning ful things that didnt require money. I never stopped doing things for her and giving her presents and doing things that would clearly cheer her up, i maybe just switched certain things. For example, i started writing her letters, and learnt how to drive, so now i pick her up and we go to more places, but i dont buy her a lot of candy anymore. I only remember to buy her flowers on important dates, but i made her a cool real life-triforce that she put on her desk, and we go to places she wants to visit, and when i pick her up i put on our songs. I dont do a lot of things FOR her, i do a lot of things because i feel that she would like it. I like doing certain cute things, it just doesnt occur to me much. We hold hands and kiss and cuddle and do cute couple things a lot, but when we fight she always tells me that i dont give her flowers anymore and that i dont do an effort to make her stay in love. She says that im not romantic anymore, and thats not true. She says a lot of untrue things when we fight.
Anyways, sorry if this is long, but i seriously need help...
Weve been thoguh a lot of beautiful things together, and a lot of scary and ugly things too, but theres a lot of love and memories in our relationship. I took her to a mexican Day of the Dead event, i took her to a waterpark, and to her favourite botanical garden. Weve been to the zoo, and weve watched series and movies together and geeked out... we have a lot of cool things going on that i love about her and us. Recently though, few things as big as going out like that have happened. Last year was her last year in school, and a lot of things happened. She was going to graduate, there were a lot of parties and things, and she had to worry about a lot of stuff. This year is MY last year.
Where were form, its important for girls to be "official" girlfriends. For me, she was my girlfriend since we started dating. Im not the kind of guy who dates a lot of girls at once. Of course at the time we were dating. On the third month, she began to be really sad because she thought that i didnt rally want to be with her because we werent "official", and so i go t angry because we were official for me, and i didnt see the need to offcicially ask her to be my girlfriend, but i noticed that it was importat to her, and so i asked her officially. Nonetheless, we consider weve been together since we started dating. Small things like that began to happen. I was going for the weekend to a friend's vacation house with my nice, geeky friends. 5 girls and 3 guys were going. One girl has a record of being very sticky and "friendly" with guys, even if they have girlfriends. Nonetheless, this girl is my firned, and i would never cheat on my girlfriend, and i would never be with this other girl. Yes, shes also hot and cute, but i wouldnt do anything at all because i love my girlfriend, and because i clearly establish my limits with this girl. Anyways, before the trip, my girlfriend came to me, genuinely worried that i would leave for 2 days and that we wouldnt talk and that i would cheat on her.I tried to calm her down and tell her that it would be fine, that nothing bad would happen, that these people are just my friends and that i would never hurt her. She still was worried, saying that i would forget about her and that i would behaving fun and that she would be stuck at home worrying. I told her that she shouldnt worry, and promised her that we would skype on both days so she would be ok. That happended and it was ok, but it felt bad HAVING to skype with her so she trusted me.
Trust and lack of communication are our main issues. Im constantly trying to have her trust me, but im wrong there, because trust must come from the other person, from inside, and as a decision. Only she can choose to trust me. I have learnt that now, but of course before all iwanted was her to trust me because i felt bad for what i had done to my ex. (I still want to talk to my ex and tell her the truth)
Some time later, i was going on a school trip to Washing ton for the area Model UN for a week or so. I was going with my generation and teachers to debates, to work. We would also go to museums, and there was a delegates party too, but the thing is, her generation took advantage of the situation when it was their trip. Her classmates all hooked up with girls in their rooms. My girlfirend really doesnt trust people because she is accustomed to seeing people cheat. SHe has been cheated on, I have cheated, her friends and classmates have, her dad did, etc. But that doesnt mean that everyone does it, it only means that she's been surrounded by it. I felt bad for her because her family life was crap, and that is why i did so many things to make her feel good.
Anyways, it was a school working trip with my firends for me. I wouldnt cheat on her. Yes, i like girls a lot, and find a lot very attractive, but I wouldnt cheat on her. I cant talk about girls in front of her because she feels jelous and sad and hurt and she cries. I was going on this school trip with two of my best girl friends. One was the sticky girl, the other is a nerdy, innocent girl whom i love and trust comepletely (note that i dont love a lot of people). Before this washington trip, my girlfirend cried and begged me not to cheat on her, and to talk to her every day. I didnt want her to feel bad, so i promised i would. Upon arriving to Washington, the idiot of my sticky friend sent her a message saying not to worry, that SHE would take care of me.
Of course upon finding out, i freaked out and got very mad at her. I sent messages to my girlfriend explaining things, but she was already panicking. We arrived at the hotel and i had 75 angry and scared messages from her about cheating, my friend, me jelousy, etc. I was overwhelmed, and didnt answer until some time later. I couldnt read all the messages. Then I answered and sent her amessage every day, keeping my primise, but got no respoinse. I realized upon getting back home, that something had happened to my phone and that while all messages were sent, she didnt recieve anything. So she just recieved the message from my idiot friend, and none other. She went crazy during that time, and since she didnt trust her friends, she talked to her ex boyfriend so he could calm her down, and he did. Btw, she compared me to her ex boyfriends a lot. When i got back, i showed her the messages i had sent, and it all got ok, but still, i was worried about my relationship the whole trip.
Next, we had a talk about our relationship. SHe said that she didnt want to be with a guy for a short time. She wanted to be able to be with a guy for a long time, and that it would be a guy n whom she would invest time, love, energy and everything in. She said she wanted to have a future with me after I graduated. (Note that since she had financial problems, she couldnt go to study to California, where she wanted to go, but i actually CAN go to NY.) I was taken aback because of this, because for me, the relationship was about trust, and happiness. I lived and enjoy our relationsip day by day, and i dont stress about our future together. I just let it happen naturally, but she couldnt. SHe told me that i was gong to grasuate in less time than i thought, and that she didnt want to invest in something that would end up hurting her. I didnt like that, but i said that i wouldnt end up hurting her (which i already have) and that we didnt think in the same way. She said that she was open to having something in the future with me, and that she was sad that i didnt want something in the future with her. At the moment, i still wanted to go to NY and have friends, and do a lot of things and have many girlfriends. I was 17 at the time and didnt want to think about serious long- term relationships. But i felt bad and Ipromised i would think about it.
Her graduation and prom came, and she got a little drunk on her prom day, but i was sober since i had to make sure we got home. The topic of my graduation arised, and she got sad and angry because she said that i didnt want to be with her in the future. I got really frustrated, but finally said fuck it. And i told her that i would be open to a future together, but that she had to trust me more. I ended up saying that i will wait for a year after graduating, so we can both go to places close by to study so we can still be together. This still is an issue now, because i have doubts if i really want to do that and have us circle our lives around our relationship at such a young age, especially considering what i want to do, and because she still has trust and communications issues.
Nonetheless, at the time, this seemed to solve the problem, and so we were happy, and i didnt think about it. Summer came, i turned 18, and we spent a lot of time together, almost every day. I learnt about an advertising camp in NY, and i had told her that i wanted to go, and that i would stay with my cousin ( a model). She got really worried and sad and i told her that she had to trust me, that i wouldnt do anything. NY ended up being a test of trust. Before i left, she cried and begged me not to cheat on her, and to talk to her every day. Of course i didnt cheat on her during the trip, and i made sure to go to starbucks everyday just to talk to her, but i was constantly worried. I was staying in NY, the place where i kind of wanted to be and study, and i felt trapped and worried because my girlfriend was scared that i would do something. I didnt know at the time that my cousin had a roomate, another model, who actually appeared in Playboy. When i got back home, I told her the truth: that nothing happened, but that my cousing had a playboy model roomate. I tld her nothing happened, but she still got mad baceause she thought i hid it from her. Ive never lied to her, ever. Ive always told her the truth. IM the one who is insecure about what decisions to make and what to do, but when i know whats up, i tell her the truth. Theres just one thing i dont know how to tell her, but ill get to that soon.
Things got better, and i told her that was the trust test, that i was sick of her lack of trust in me, and that i wanted to see things getting better, because her trust issues only seemed to be getting worse.
Sorry, did i mention that when she cries, many times she has real panic attacks and cannot speak, she hyperventilates, trembles, twitches and goes all stiff? Yeah. She has told me that its a real issue and that she needs to solve it, that she needs me to be patient, and i feel terrible when she gets them. SHe also says that when she cries, all she wants is for me to hug her. I dont know i f i should hug her if shes crying BECAUSE of me, sometimes she doesnt let me hug her... but one way or another, i feel terrible EVERY TIME she cries. SOme people say that shes manipulating me, but i dont think so, and if she is, she doesnt know or do it on purpose.
Time went by, school started and she began looking for a job. She got hired at a coffee shop and gets paid really well, which is good. Shes also making friends there. A big thing happened... someting i knew was cming but didnt want to face: the graduation trip. She couldnt go to hers because she couldnt afford it, but i can, and i WILL go. Its a trip with my generation to Cancun in April. Its awesome.
Some people take their girlfriends. Some cheat on their girdfriends. SOme do both, some are faithful. One way or another, Cancun is one huge party. Alcohol, dancing and sex are the big things, but here are also cool things like the generation dinner at sundown, hanging out at the beach, and other stuff. I want to go, with or without her.
Whe i told her about the trip, she didnt even let me finish speaking. SHe just broke out crying. Im getting knots in my stomach just by remembering this. She cried, had a panic attack, and BEGGED me not to go. I felt so bad, and i hadnt done anything wrong. I told her i would go one way or another, but the situation got so intense that i ended up telling her reluctantly that we should go together, but that i couldnt pay for her ticket . SHe said that she would pay for her ticket, and that solved the problem for the moment.
Recently, ive had to ckeck out universities and make the first payment for Cancun, and i began having a bad feeling. The past times weve fought have been because of trsut and communciations, but she also was really frsutrated that it was always me who was travelling, and that she never go to go out on vacations or on a trip. Weve fought because she cries instead of solving issues and talking about how she feels. Weve fought becasue of many things, and weve hurt each other, and i love her. But i trusted my gut, and myslef and talked to myself, and asked myself what i was doing. Do i really want to wait for this girl for a year? Do i really want to have a rwlationship with trust issues? Do i really want to take her to my last and most important trip with my friends?
I talked to mysef, and to many people. They all told me that i was an idiot for not being able to say NO to many things from the beginnning, and that i was trapped in a situation where both were going to get hurt, one way or another, and that i should be honest with myself and with her and tell her that I dont want her to come to Cancun.
I told her that last weekend, and it was a disaster. I told her that i guess i had offered to take her because i felt bad that she couldnt go last time and so she could trust me, but i no longer wanted that. I told her that trusting me was her choice and that i was sorry, but htat this was a trip that i wanted to do alone with my friends. Crying, begging, panic attack. I felt terrible, she told me that she was really looking foreward to going and having fun. I told her that we should go to another trip together, just the two of us. She agreed, but still she didnt care as much. She was really looking foreward to going o Cancun and having fun, and i took it away from her because i dont want her to go, and because i didnt have the balls to tell her that before.
Some day before this, we fought because she cried instead of talking and solving problems and coming to an agreement. She told me that that was how she dealt with things, and that panic attacks were a real problem. I told her i knew, and that i loved her, but we had to talk about things and avoid immediately crying.
Dont ask how, but somehow i managed to tell her how i felt about cancun and our relationship in general. A lot of intensity ensued. Right now, she's not going to Cancun, and were "ok". THere are moments when we talk back to each other, and when we treat each other badly, and when there are mini misunderstandings, but generally now were "ok". Cancun is in 6 months and graduation is in 8.
The thing is, sometimes im not sure that i want us to be together during cancun, because she wont trust me anyways, and she will want me to be taliing with her all the time. Honeslty, i want to go and have fiun and get drunk and have a nice time with my friends. Yes, there are going to be a lot of hot girls, but if im with my girlfriend, i wont cheat on her. Because of her, but mostly because of me. I would never forginve myself.
Nonetheless ive been having doubts about my relationship and if i want to continue it. I want us to be ok and happy, but i think that Cancun is going to be hard for her, and i have to be applying for universities IN A MONTH, so i have doubts if i want to wait for her for a year or not. If were going to break up before i graduate, then i need to have a college to go to. ANd i dont even know if i do want to wait for her or not.
THis is hard, because i love her crazily... and shes kind of made me believe in true love. Im sorry, im a bit fucked up. I truly love her and i have the insecurity that if we break up, that ill never find a girl like her again... one that makes me as heppy as her, one as cute and hot and fun as her... one that will enjoy wathcing amovie, eating lizza adn having sex regulatily, ad one that will laugh at all mystupid jokes,a dn say some of her own.... one that has a smile and eyes as radiant as hers... because it all seems ok when were ok... it all makes sense when were happy together... I feel im losing my chance at true love with her... and this is something that stemms from my parents divorce, but i understand that this is a difficult thing.
I know i did many stupid things, and that im in a tight situation, but i really really love her. I just dont want to leave aside what i want to do in life. She doesnt ask me to do that, but she says that we can do both: i can do everything that i want, and we can be together happily. But i know that isnt possible, because whle i trust her unconditionally, and have unconditionall love for her, she does have conditions for the relationsip, and i should have had "conditions" from the start. I just went on with anything and adapted because she made me happy.
Ive hurt her a lot, and i dont want to hurt her more, but i feel i cant avoid it. I dont want her to be depressed and suicidal, i dont want her while world to crumble down because she has enough at home... she doesnt have friends and she doesnt have support from home, and i have both. She says that all she can offer me is her love and support, and here i am thinking selfishly about everything else. Isnt love and support all we need in life?
This girl makes my day, and makes me more happy than anything in the world, but i just feel like i have to end it. I also feel that im going to miss her... her touch, her kisses, her happiness and how it caused mine, and all the cute and beautiful moments we shared. I know im going to get depressed if it ends, but i dont care about me. I just want to make sure i dont ruin her life with this... i thought before that she was kind of dependent on me, but i know thats not true... she has other things and people which make her pahhy and keep her going... shes a very strng girld and im very proud of her....
Sometimes I wish we could meet in a few years and get together again, when there are no trust issues, when we want to settle down... and that it will all be like before (like it is now), just without the bad parts.
Everyone tells me that a relationship that has more bad things than good things is not a good relationship, but i just feel like this girl makes me very happy TODAY, and that i cant be as happy without her sometimes. I know it isnt true, but im telling you, i m a bit fucked, and fucked up.
She said that my mind and heart are fighting, and that i follow my mind when she follows her heart, but i dont think its true. I follow both, maybe at the wrong times. My heart doesnt worry because it might feel ok in the present, but my mind knows that my heart may not feel ok in the future. I need to find a balance in how to follow both. I want to take advantage of my last school year and have fun and go out and go crazy, but i also dont want to lose something as precious as what i have with my girlfriend. Im proud of her, and she makes me happy in so many ways... im still in love with her, and im very attracted to her. I want to be the best boyfriend i can for her and i want to protect her, because i feel that she deserves it and she just doesnt want to get hurt, but i dont know what to do anymore.
She wrote me this before her graduation:
"Dear M. This is not easy to write. Whenever you feel alone in this big world remember how much I love you right now, in this moment. Life is not easy and one is not made to be alone forever. I don't know what you are looking for, but I hope you find it. I hope that if I ever see you again I get the feeling I do when I see you now, cause I know that my feelings for you will never change, even if I’m with someone else, I will always think of you as my sweet silly boyfriend. To my eyes and heart you will always be mine. We are so young and naive; I don't even see a place in this earth for me and I don’t have much to offer to you but my love and support. I love having you as my boyfriend, and I honestly don’t think that I can find someone like you, I'm never gonna love anyone else the way I love you. And if it was for me, I would choose you, even when you didn't choose me, I would choose you… a thousand times. I would fall in love with you again anytime in my life. But I also don’t know what I’m saying…or if any of this is true. Life changes so fast. I never thought I was going to be so lucky to be with you! A year ago I thought I was going to move to California, build my dreams and find someone there. I never wanted to spend my life with (EXBOYFRIEND 1) or (EX BOYFRIEND 2 CHEATER), or anyone. No one has ever made me feel like that and I don’t think that I’m close to knowing either. I don’t know if you are or not, because we only have 17/19 years, I just wish I could have a choice in this, but you are choosing to find your dreams alone. If it was for me…I would follow you even if you decided to go to the artic.
Maybe I could… or maybe this is just another silly teenage promise. But I know one of us is going to regret somehow (not forever but…) letting go, regret leaving. I wish I could have the choice to fight for us, I would never choose to leave you without knowing if you are or not the one, I would refuse to stop fighting for you…I would refuse to not discover how deep is my love for you, I would refuse to leave you behind… I would refuse leaving you just like that. I love you so much that I chose to stay with you as long as you let me…even if you shatter my heart in the end. I don’t want you to think that I’m codependent of you or any of that shit…but without you…it’s honestly hard to breathe… because you are part of why life is so beautiful, it would be hard to be happy again. You are truly my bliss. I have no idea what life has planned for you, but I hope that you always know that I’m always going to be with you…as long as you want me by your side. I’m always going to be yours.
She sent me that before her gradution, when she got sad and under pressure i told her i would want a future with her. See how there is so much love? But still...
Thank you for reading. You deserve an award. I really hope someone can help me. THanks.
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